mindless we livedmindless we loved

day 18 - i believe.

2011-03-06T15:29:00.000-05:00

(full list) - 18 - your beliefs.

"do not kill time because time kills you."

i believe that there are greater beings outside the human race. i believe that there is a god - only mine, doesn't spell their name with a capital "G." i believe the universe works in both weird and magical ways. i believe that same-sex marriage should be legalized and marijuana, de-criminalized. i believe that abortion should and always be available to women who can't find any other way... and i believe that you don't have to share bloodlines to be family. i believe in procrastination and i believe in time. i believe there's more to this life and i believe this life is mine.

day 17 - balance.

2011-02-23T01:04:00.001-05:00

(full list) - 17 - your highs and lows of this past year.

west end, negril, jamaica.

i think i had a good year. nothing spectacular, but good things happened. i finally earned stamps in my passport - amongst a plethora of domestic travels. i got to watch my brother get married, and celebrate my niece's first birthday. i was hit with the reality of how precious time is and how to not take the little things for granted (ie., your pinky finger) -- without having to go through any of the (real) pain (mental, emotional and/or physical) myself. another year to get to know my parents, and grand-parents - just a little bit more... and another year to try and make things right.

but, i feel as though i've also had another wasted year. if you take out the days one would consider to be spent "productively" -- i'm almost certain i'd be left with about 297 insignificant twenty-four hour periods. whether things are going to be different this time around, i don't know. hopefully i'll have another solid year to find out.

peace, love & respect.

2011-02-19T14:43:00.000-05:00

back from paradise, safe and sound. learned a lot this week, and not just about jamaica. will post pictures soon. but for now... what's jeff doing all the way over there?

"HEY SHELLY"

"THE SCENERY IS HERE..."

"WISH YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL!!!"

yeah, i thought i read it wrong the first time around, too. long story short, our fourth adventurer dipped out last minute and left it to the three of us to make some memories on our own. so, we did.

do's and don'ts.

2011-02-06T03:43:00.007-05:00

something i compiled a while ago on my other blog... so, i'm sharing it here...

via google images.

—- AT THE BAR —-

situation: you’re out with a group of friends and all y’all need a drink.

solution: have your drink orders ready. i can’t stress the PLURAL on drink enough. there’s nothing more annoying (actually, there are a lot of things more annoying) than the one person who takes it upon himself to order for the group — and wastes my time by ordering one… drink… at… a… time. (ie. guy says: “hey lemme getta captain and coke…” i make it…“yo yea, lemme get another one of those….” i make it… “ok yea and then a merlot…” yea, no. it’s, “hey, may i please have two captain and cokes, a merlot, vodka/soda and an ipa?” see how much time that saves? don’t worry about your bartender not being able to remember more than one drink at a time, we’re smarter than you think.

situation: the bar is packed and you just got there and want a drink.
solution: have money in your hand. make eye contact… and again, have your drink order ready! don’t snap, don’t whistle, don’t wave your goddamn hand in the air like you’re in second grade ready for show-and-tell and sure as hell don’t yell across the bar. it’s rude, and makes you look like an ass.

situation: there are five people in your group and only four chairs left.
solution: fucking stand. you’re not eating goddamn steak you’re having a drink. you can stand and hold a drink, i promise.

situation: you look young, get carded but you “left your wallet at home” and the bartender refuses service.
solution: go home and get your wallet. don’t argue, don’t beg. it won’t help your cause. i can’t speak for the laws anywhere else but the ones here in good ol’ NYC are pretty damn strict for serving minors - if you look like you’re twelve… and don’t have proper identification to prove otherwise, you ain’t gettin’ no drank. my job isn’t worth your fun. lo siento mi amigo!

situation: you’re not sure what you want to drink.
solution: this should never be a situation. figure it out. we’re not here to hold your hand, we’re not here to take you on an tasting tour. stick with what you know - meaning, quit ordering martinis while throwing words like “dry” “wet” and “dirty” around not knowing what they mean. james bond doesn’t care that you want to be like him, he’s not real.

just a couple more notes before i head off to work — “please” and “thank you” go a long way. as does, “whenever you get a chance.” for me personally, anyone who gives a crap and takes into consideration how busy i am, gets their drinks faster. and even more than that — TIP YOUR GODDAMN SERVICE STAFF. for most of us, it’s all we make, meaning there’s no paycheck for us on friday. and not only that, if we get stiffed, it’s money out of our own pockets to pay our service staff… (ie. food runners, bussers… barbacks…)

frankly, to me, all of this is basic human courtesy. but for whatever reason, there’s a huge group of people out there who feel as though they are far superior to everyone else… and treat people as such. no one is rolling out the red carpet for your ass when you walk through the door so maybe today, you could try being nice - it’s amazing what a lack of negative energy brings, to those around you.

day 16 - pop.

2011-01-26T15:25:00.001-05:00

(full list) - 16 - what are your views on mainstream music?

via nataliedee.

anyone who doesn't listen to "pop" music solely because it's mainstream, is a 'tard. shitty artists can write a solid song just the same as a great artist can release a mediocre album. i'll be the first to admit i have a tendency to pass judgment on those with questionable music taste, but - i also know that i can't put my entire itunes library on shuffle when there's an impromptu party at our apartment, because like everyone else, it's chock full of "guilty pleasures."

i've always had a soft spot for the rare breed of artists who actually bother to write their own songs. everything from the bass line to the lyrics. never understanding the concept of simply putting a pretty face to someone else's art - because to me, that's no better than a group of drunkards walking into a karaoke bar and giving their best rendition of "livin' on a prayer," and calling themselves pop-stars.

i still don't get how (or why) britney spears is releasing albums that hoards of people (young and old) go running to the store for, nor do i wait in eager anticipation for lady gaga's next album, BUT... i'd be lying if i said i haven't been jamming out to "paparazzi" for the past couple weeks. fuck you, it's catchy.

15 - www faves.

2011-01-25T03:18:00.000-05:00

(full list) - 15 - your favorite websites.

these are the sites bookmarked on my browser, that i visit on a daily basis -- which means at least once a day, but realistically -- i'm probably bouncing between these sites all day, every day. in no particular order:

and i look at a lot of photography/photographer websites, with a list of favorites way too extensive to put up. (wait, ok, here are some: dina goldstein, aaron nace, dan martensen...) i did include cc though, because, well - i literally go her blog every day in hopes of finding an update. whether i'm in a sappy, happy or angry mood - i always find what i'm looking for when i get there.

day 14 - memory.

2011-01-24T13:10:00.005-05:00

(full list) - 14 - your earliest childhood memory.

a little backstory as to how shitty my memory is, i started kindergarten when i was five, and it was around that time when our family took a trip down to disneyworld. i only know this, because there's a whole album of pictures at my mom's house. but, i have no recollection of this trip, what-so-ever. none. in fact, there was a period in middle school (before i had even seen the disney pictures) where i accused my parents of lying to us about taking all these trips as kids... because if i didn't remember them, they never happened. to this day, the only memories i have from disneyworld are the ones i made when i went at twenty-three.

i guess my first real memory was from pre-k. halloween. i was going as a cat. it was a weird looking cat, almost like a cat/puppy breed (think ren and stimpy, what was stimpy?) -- and i remember before i left to go to school, my dad took my mom's eyeliner pencil and drew on some whiskers for me. that's my first memory that wasn't sparked by a photograph. and one of my favorites.

day 13 - wanderlust.

2011-01-23T02:37:00.003-05:00

(full list) - 13 - somewhere you'd like to move or visit.

this question falls along the same lines as, "what's your all-time favorite band, or movie." impossible. the list of places i want to see are endless, that's the easiest way to answer that. i will never say "no" to a trip, so long as i can afford to go. LIVING, on the other hand - is something a little different, and also something i've given quite some thought to as of recently.

i've always loved vancouver. still do. a big part of it is that my (extended) family is there... but also - the city is freaking amazing. too bad they don't just let anyone emigrate to canada... you need to pay some freaking dues... but, it's a dream. i've also considered seattle. i went once when i was a kid, and loved it. i love anything by the ocean with mountains as a backdrop. my hometown of chicago is always on the back burner and i've also considered a completely different continent, just to learn a different language, culture -- lifestyle... why not?

but, i've spent the last decade living in what a lot of people argue to be, the "greatest city in the world." that's a bold statement. i get why people think that, but suffice it to say that my relationship with this city would have to be the quintessential love/hate kind. i suppose the love outweighs the hate by at least a small margin, otherwise, i woulda blown this popsicle stand a long time ago.

30 day challenge.

2011-01-22T01:41:00.014-05:00

i started this months ago -- decided to ditch it, because that's who i am... and am now going back to it. i have all the ones i've done so far on my old blog, so i'm going to spend some time bringing them over here (backdating the entries to the dates and times i originally posted them) and try my best to finish this up before i take off for jamaica.

~~01. your current relationship. if single, discuss single life.~~

~~02. where you’d like to be in ten years.~~

~~03. your views on drugs and alcohol.~~

~~04. your views on religion.~~

~~05. a time you thought about ending your own life.~~

~~06. write 30 interesting facts about yourself.~~

~~07. your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.~~

~~08. a moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.~~

~~09. how you hope your future will be.~~

~~10. discuss your first love and first kiss.~~

~~11. put your ipod on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play.~~

~~12. bullet your whole day.~~

13. somewhere you’d like to move or visit.

14. your earliest memory.

15. your favorite websites.

16. your views on mainstream music.

17. your highs and lows of this past year.

18. your beliefs.

19. disrespecting your parents.

20. how important you think education is.

21. one of your favorite shows.

22. how have you changed in the past two years?

23. give five pictures of guys (or gals) who are famous, who you find attractive.

24. your favorite movie and what it’s about.

25. someone who fascinates you and why.

26. what kind of person attracts you.

27. a problem that you have had.

28. something that you miss.

29. goals for the next 30 days.

30. your highs and lows of this month.

seven mile beach.

2011-01-18T15:46:00.000-05:00

photo via.

twenty-five days 'til paradise. *itch*itch*

swaggerific, 2011.

2011-01-11T14:26:00.005-05:00

so, three friends and i booked our tickets to jamaica. we originally wanted to avoid the major cities/resorts that everyone seems to flock to -- but after doing some research, i guess you could suffice it to say that there's a reason why tourists/travelers stick to certain areas... and avoid others. although we still refuse to book rooms at sandals on the hotel strip in montego bay, we are that family who says they're going "camping" telling all our friends we're "roughing it" in the woods for a few nights - when in reality we're probably going to end up parking our relatively spacious RV in some designated camp ground... with outlets. roughing it, my ass.

quepos, costa rica.

i've also received some scrutiny on how i decide to allocate my finances as far as what i consider to be "important" or "valuable" in my life. i get why people frantically scrounge up to save for that rainy day... and chances are, i'm an idiot for not being more responsible... but -- since i can remember, all i've wanted to do is travel. and waiting, isn't an option. last year, my girlfriends implanted "costa" into my brain and i wasn't able to get it out until i bought that ticket and saw it for myself, and despite how broke i was when i came back -- it was all worth it.

realistically, this is probably the only trip i'll take (at least until summer comes around,) but i'm definitely getting used to the idea of planning a tropical vacation every february. i swear, it's good for the mind.

pura vida.

oh me, oh my.

2011-01-02T19:58:00.000-05:00

GOOD GOD, i miss this face. :(

nursery rhymes.

2010-12-31T00:09:00.001-05:00

"are we friends, or are we not...

you told me once, but i forgot."

waking life.

2010-12-30T14:25:00.000-05:00

"on really romantic evenings of self, i go salsa dancing with my own confusion." --speedlevitch.

unfocused.

2010-12-27T16:25:00.003-05:00

what happened to the days when we found beauty in our imperfections?

merry christmas.

2010-12-25T19:18:00.001-05:00

i never really noticed how much of a big deal it is to get an actual tree for christmas. growing up, we busted out the same tattered boxes holding pieces of our fake (but awesome) tree from our crawl-space... straightened out the wire "branches" piece by piece and stuck them into the designated slots on the plastic "trunk" of our tree. i loved that tree. and every single ornament we put on it. baby's first christmas, popsicle sticks glued together in some sort of awkward "frame" holding that year's school photo (c'mon, you know what i'm talking about.) it's hanging by a thread (literally) and your mom insisted on putting up all throughout high school. actually for me, that's a lie. we stopped putting that tree up some time in middle school, but it's one of the few fond memories i hold onto.

some years had gone by, i moved to new york and never really had a tree of my own. until a few years ago when i was dating this character... we'll call, drew. he was living in my apartment (i made no errors in the wording of that sentence,) and without shedding too much negative light on this guy - one of his prize moments of our relationship was when he thought it'd be a good idea to bring a 7' tree into our modest sized railroad apartment in fort greene, brooklyn. not only did he bring this tree in, but had no intentions of watering, or trimming it -- and it just sat there... for months... until finally, i used all my sad upper body strength and dragged that thing out to the curb, dry needles everywhere.

a few years go by and now it's 2010. every november the streets of new york line up with farmers selling beautiful christmas trees. trees of all sizes. this year, we got lucky and one morning i woke up and there was a guy selling trees right across the street from our apartment. of course my first instinct, was that i wanted a tree. i knew we couldn't have a big one, but a charlie-brown christmas tree would suffice. every time i brought it up to david, he refused... and said trees are a pain the ass. i couldn't really argue because if i wanted a tree that badly, i would just go haul one over myself. guess no tree this year.

until one day i get home from work, open the door -- and the fresh smell of pine wafts through the hallway. all i see is this beautiful tree and a simple, "surprise... merry christmas," from david.

different things.

2010-12-15T13:27:00.000-05:00

i think i say this every december, but man - i can't believe another year has gone by. usually, i mope about the fact that i allowed another year to pass without accomplishing any of the things i said i would... or at least attempt to. but i gotta say, twenty-ten? not so bad.

mostly because of all the traveling i got to do. i kicked off the year in costa rica. spent the summer between vancouver, various parts of alaska, florida, chicago, d.c., virginia, baltimore... and... i'm probably forgetting a few. all the days in between, i spent working - either for money or for my future. i did take a *short* hiatus with school because frankly, it all became extremely overwhelming -- but i think it's time now to kick it into high gear and start living the life i've only dreamt about.

i've also learned a lot this year. about people, relationships, things that matter -- and things that don't. my life is composed of the choices i make and the consequences that come along with them. there's a fine line between compromise and sacrifice. and in the beginning, that line is often blurred and you're basically bending over backwards to ensure the other person's happiness. but if you stick around long enough, the once endearing quirks become not-so-endearing... irritating qualities are no longer things you "love about them" but rather, "love in spite of..." but more than that -- you realize that your love, is different from their love... and you - "want different things."

but then one day, if you're lucky enough -- you wake up and that line isn't so blurry anymore.

withdrawal.

2010-12-06T17:31:00.000-05:00

this depresses me.

rss, yeah!

2010-11-22T21:00:00.000-05:00

so, i subscribed to myself via google reader... yes, i did... and to my surprise, i have seven other subscribers! that's just crazy. so, hello there readers. sorry for all the moping. it'll pass soon...

a ruse, by any other name...

2010-11-22T20:45:00.000-05:00

i should be in chicago by now, but for whatever reason i thought it would be a good idea to pay almost $347 (more than the initial cost of round-trip travel) to change my flight and leave tomorrow morning instead. what difference fifteen hours would make, no clue. i'm not even a morning person.

it's time to pull the plug on this pity-party.

lights at mccarren.

2010-11-20T16:14:00.000-05:00

i wish i was a zombie.

this is why.

2010-11-20T05:17:00.005-05:00

fresh off the needle.

like yours, my parents' love story also ended in a messy, shitty divorce... but i wear my mom's ring on my finger, the one my dad put on her finger the day they promised each other "through sickness and health, for richer or poorer..." as a daily reminder that as often as love fails -- i'm going to try my damndest to make my story different. because...

...i want to wake up at the age of sixty - and still have love in my heart. i want to know what it's like to grow old with someone, someone i can count on. i want to have an emergency contact that's not my father. i want to be able to book a vacation a year from now, knowing that my partner will still be around to take it with me. i want someone who can promise to love me forever, not because i don't want to die alone... but because i think deserve not to have to.

things change...

2010-11-18T23:27:00.002-05:00

but people don't. at least that's what i've come to learn and know. an entire week hadn't even gone by between the night you came home with two-dozen long-stemmed roses saying, "...one for every month i have loved you," and the morning i found out that you hadn't changed... that my past forgiveness(es) have been in vain... and that sadly, you are the type of person who's capable of completely losing my trust.

the worst part about it all, is that none of this means that i don't still love you.

day 12 - bullets.

2010-11-06T02:57:00.002-05:00

(full list) - 12 - bullet your whole day.

i’ve legitimately attempted to do this for well over a week now, but to no avail. this is a lot harder than you think, i guess unless you’re a detective. or reporter… or stenographer. i’d like to think that it’s because i’m “too busy” to take time out of my precious day to jot down what i’ve just done… but, it’s less that — and more… laziness and lack of eventful things to discuss. so, let’s look back on my week, sum it up in a couple paragraphs and move on with the project, shall we?

spent quite a bit of time wondering what the hell i’m doing with my life. listened to a lot of this will destroy you‘s young mountain, a ridiculously amazing album. lost a lot of sleep. worked, a lot. bought tickets to go home for thanksgiving [slash] hermano’s wedding – super excited to get out of this damn city. caught up with boardwalk empire – seven episodes scattered over three days… it’s that good – and it’s been a while since a show has made me do that. listened to sad songs. added more “tear sheets” to my photog inspiration book. watched a girl do cocaine on the fucking train, eh – just another friday night in glamorous new york city. envied my roommate who left for a ten-day adventure in south africa. finally listened to some ween, rediscovered ray lamontagne. changed my nails from orange to red.

got absolutely no schoolwork done. watched an unhealthy amount of law & order: svu. decided to go through all of dave eggers‘ books… which i started… and then for whatever reason, felt compelled to go through the list of books referenced in perks of being a wallflower… which i also started. had the realization that i’ve always been prone to dabbling in multiple projects at once – without ever finishing any of them. hated the universe (still kinda do) aaand… watched a lot of national geographic documentaries.

i think that about does it. good bedtime story, huh?

day 11 - ishuffle.

2010-10-22T02:56:00.001-05:00

(full list) - 11 - put your ipod on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play.

01. alpha beta gaga air.
02. commotion creedence clearwater revival.
03. optimistic radiohead.
04. pictures of you the cure.
05. talk show host radiohead. (yesss… i can listen to this one, forever.)
06. australia the shins.
07. let it be the beatles.
08. fumbling towards ecstasy sarah mclachlan.
09. pray for rain massive attack.
10. farewell to the fairground white lies.

day 10 - the first.

2010-10-20T02:50:00.004-05:00

(full list) - 10 - describe your first love, and your first kiss.

james cameron's 1997 classic, titanic.

oh man. okay, let’s go back to the first boy i ever went “steady” with because i kind of want to relive this story. he was a boy named matt, in middle school… probably around fifth or sixth grade. we held hands in the cafeteria during lunch, he walked me home every day after school… and after about a week, i decided to break up with him. truth was, i had never kissed a boy before – and was scared to have to do it. so, i broke up with him. without giving him a single reason. “just because,” i said. so he followed me home for two more weeks… where i cruelly gave him the cold shoulder, simply because i was too scared to admit that i was a prude. the last day he followed me home, it was pouring… he didn’t have an umbrella and i refused to let him share mine… and he just walked beside me, quietly… in the rain.

he moved away to colorado shortly after that, and i haven’t heard from him since.

my first love on the other hand, is an entirely different story. my first love and first kiss came hand-in-hand. this story is laughable on so many different levels, but i’ll try to keep it as short as i can: his name was john. we met at church. yup, church. i was fifteen, he was eighteen. our/my first kiss came after he took me on our first date, to see a movie all the girls in the world had seen at least a dozen times by then… titanic. (i wish i was making all of this up.) afterwards, he kindly walked me to my door and as i held it open with my heel, he came in for the kiss… and i accepted. we dated for, i dunno — in my mind, it was forever – but it was probably only a few months… i wish i could refer back to my kero kero keroppi diary (again, no joke) so i could give you the exact date of when i was convinced he had broken my heart beyond the point of no repair. as far as i know, he’s married now – with a kid. maybe two.

pure teenage angst aside, from a relationship aspect, it was like most other “first love” stories… an epic fail. but we grow up, we move on… and we love again. and again… and again.

day 9 - the future.

2010-10-17T02:47:00.001-05:00

(full list) - 09 - how you hope your future will be.

how silly is this question? i want my future to be filled with uncertainty and heartache. i want to be unsuccessful and struggling to make ends meet. i want to lose all my friends, and have no goals. i want to throw it all away.

no one says that. because no one wants those things. everyone wants things like: to love and be loved, and to find true happiness. other than that, i don’t know what i want (or hope) for my future. ten years ago i woulda said i wanted a loving husband, a house full of kids living on a mountain over-looking a beach with a wrap-around porch. but, you grow-up, you begin to realize what it takes to achieve those things, and also – that life rarely works out the way you planned, let alone the way you had hoped. you learn to roll with the punches and take each day as they come.

so what i truly want for my future… is the ability to adapt to situations, to be able to know when to take things seriously – and when to just have fun… with no regrets in between. i want to find happiness in everything that comes my way, to learn how to see the good in people and to be less selfish. the thing i want most for my future, is to be a better person tomorrow – than i am today. that’s what i hope for.

day 8 - satisfied.

2010-10-15T02:44:00.000-05:00

(full list) - 08 - describe a moment you felt the most satisfied in your life.

satisfy – verb – meet the expectations, needs, or desires of (someone.)

to be completely honest, in this moment — today, i feel as though i am the most satisfied than i have ever been. don’t get me wrong, there’s no great sense of accomplishment whooshing through me, like when i finished my very first 8th-grade shop class project (a leather “wallet” for my mom. man, that thing was heinous.) but — for the first time i finally feel like i know what direction i want my life to go in, and taking all the steps necessary to get there… and i guess you could say i feel more productive than ever… which in turn provides a good amount of satisfaction.

i’m not the type of person who needs to accomplish something great before they are happy — i’m perfectly okay with the concept of trying, and failing… trying and failing… and then trying and failing. (three times, right?) that at least if you know that you gave it everything you have with each attempt… and whatever mistakes you were making, you fix along the way. i mean, haven’t we been told that this is what it’s all about anyway? not the destination but the journey? yea, i’m pretty satisfied with my journey.

day 7 - zodiac.

2010-10-14T02:14:00.003-05:00

(full list) - 07 - what is your zodiac... and does it suit your personality?

hermean zodiac (img via masseiana.org)

♍ virgo – the virgin – modest and shy. meticulous and reliable. practical and diligent. intelligent and analytical. fussy and a worrier. overcritical and harsh. perfectionist and conservative. supposedly compatible with capricorn, taurus, cancer, scorpio. not compatible with gemini, sagittarius and other virgos.

i’m definitely not an “astrology” person… but i can appreciate it for what it is and if you’re into it… sure. and the *only* reason why… is because any time i meet someone who knows anything about that stuff, they ask if i’m a virgo. i have a lot of uncertainties about things, but i’m pretty sure that means something. the things i have looked up, i’m afraid to say, i can almost always agree with. with the exception of horoscopes. whenever i’m skipping towards the crossword puzzle in a newspaper, sometimes i gander at the horoscopes and find ways to have every single one apply to my daily life. it almost always works. so i don’t believe in horoscopes. but delving deeper into astrology, i guess i can see why people dig it.

while we’re on the subject, and because i’m asian – i am also the 戌 year of the dog. “they have a deep sense of loyalty, are honest, and inspire other people’s confidence because they know how to keep secrets. but dog people are somewhat selfish, terribly stubborn, and eccentric. they care for little wealth, yet somehow always seem to have money. they can be cold emotionally and sometimes distant at parties. they can fault with many things and are noted for their sharp tongues. dogs can make good leaders. compatible with the horse, tiger and rabbit.”

sure, i can be a dog. i like dogs. i also like horses tigers and rabbits. so, it works out.

day 6 - fact.

2010-10-13T02:13:00.000-05:00

(full list) - 06 - thirty interesting facts about yourself.

"Time flies; eternity dwells."

01. i can only do the “vulcan salute” with my left hand, not my right.

02. used this one before, but still true: i have never seen a single godfather movie, or rocky.

03. my first cassette that wasn’t a book on tape, was salt-n-pepa’s “shoop” single.

04. the books we had on tape also came with giant tmnt comic books.

05. i love coloring. everyone loves coloring, but i actually buy coloring books.

06. i used to have this borderline unhealthy obsession with wanting to be left-handed.

07. sunny-d commercials always made me want the purple stuff.

08. i can’t clip my toenails like a normal human being. i do it like an ape would.

09. i have about 9 ½ filled moleskines, because of my anal-retentiveness for consistency.

10. it has taken me three days to come up with this many things for the list. i’m screwed.

11. the first car my dad bought just for me was a chrysler plymouth.

12. one stupid summer i left that car on the side of the road after it died.

13. and to this day – i don’t know where it is.

14. i was, and still am, an extremely irresponsible person. one of my many vices.

15. i feel trapped, struggling to create this list, and just want to move on to day 7.

16. some time around now, marks the start of year nine of working at the same brewery.

17. i still can’t tell if that is a good or bad thing.

18. if reincarnation exists, i bet i’ll come back as a hermit crab.

19. the best present i have ever received – the complete hardcover calvin & hobbes collection…

20. ’til my niece was born 17 months ago. ‘cept, she’s not really something someone gave to me.

21. the worst night of drinking i had, i ended up losing a shoe. i came home, with one shoe.

22. …am i really only at 22? this is turning into a nightmare.

23. this is my favorite number.

24. i cannot do a single real push-up. i don’t even wanna know about pull-ups.

25. my worst gym fear happened one day, i fell off the treadmill, mid run. i quit the next day.

26. i truly believe, that my dad, is the best dad in the world.

27. every single chicago game (mlb/nfl) i attend in new york, they lose. every… time.

28. i’m almost at thirty! …and this is how old i am.

29. my brother is younger than me, but my entire life – i’ve never felt it.

30. i often feel regret, remembering how far away i moved from home.

day 5 - calling the shots.

2010-10-11T02:10:00.001-05:00

(full list) - 05 - describe a time when you thought about ending your own life.

that’s some heavy shit. it’s not even asking what my views on suicide are, it’s asking for a specific moment in time when i wanted to kill myself. i mean, i’m all for disclosure… but i actually really don’t like talking about this kind of stuff, so i’m gonna beat around the bush a bit, just so i can move on with this project…

in my mind, i’m convinced everybody at one point or another has felt inadequate, like there’s no purpose or use for them in the world — and has, in one way or another – even for a split-second, contemplated how and/or if they would commit suicide. and, that’s honestly all i can say about the matter. even if i could find the words, i’d hardly do it justice.

so… if you or anyone you know needs help, various crisis hotlines can be found here… and the one specifically for new york is here… the only thing i can think of to add, is to always remember those who love you. you might not think your life is worth living, but they do. they need you. it’s what works for me. one day at a time is all anyone asks for.

day 4 - religion.

2010-10-10T02:02:00.002-05:00

(full list) - 04 - what are your views on religion?

whenever religion comes up i immediately think about the inside the actor’s studio episode with natalie portman, where james lipton is doing his truncated version of the proust questionnaire and asks her, “if heaven exists, what you like to hear god say when you arrive at the pearly gates?” and she says something along the lines of, “i don’t like to believe that there’s a heaven or hell. because that would mean that everyone who does good deeds here, on earth, now… is all doing it for selfish reasons, to get into heaven.” i’m not a huge natalie portman fan or anything (altho, the professional? come on.) but that has always stuck with me.

i spent most of my childhood in church. for as long as i can remember, with the exception of my mom, i come from a family of captial-g-o-d fearing folks. although, for the most part, i guess if you *had* to put a title on it, they (my family, not their congregation as a whole) are pretty “liberal christians” – if there even is such a thing. let’s start from the beginning…

i grew up in i guess what you would call the methodist denomination of the christian church, what the differences are between all the denominations – is beyond me, nor do i care. my entire childhood, i went to church for two reasons, and two reasons only: to hang out with my friends, and because my parents made me.

after my parent’s divorce, i chose to stop attending services for personal reasons. mainly because it became evident to me, that i was practicing a faith that supposedly taught compassion and understanding and love for one another as basic human beings, regardless of affiliation — with a bunch of hypocrites. that has, and always will be – my number one “problem” with reformed religion. please note: i am not saying that all christians are hypocrites, my family sure as hell aren’t, what little they “preach” they themselves practice – they are extremely open about everything, unbelievably understanding and accept everyone and anyone… and most importantly, they never try to push their faith, on anyone who’s not interested – they quietly pray for the ones they love… ultimately, wishing for a peaceful reunion in our afterlives.

during high school, i went back and forth to church — still, for the wrong reasons. and then the summer between high school and college — i started to develop an honest relationship with god and earnestly spent my days trying my best to life “the christian way.” turned out, about half a semester into college — temptation wasn’t the easiest thing for me and a sinful life seemed more fun, not to mention more practical… so, i ditched christianity for good. that was about a decade ago.

i went to church one time since then, as a favor to some friends, on christmas — and felt uncomfortable as all hell — you know that phrase, “you’re sweatin’ like a whore in church?” i felt like that whore. since then, i’ve kind of been moseying around trying to find out what suits me best… not a specific religion to practice, per se — but some sort of relationship with a definitive higher being that i could refer to as something other than, “the universe.”

the universe is my god. the universe is where my faith lies. the belief that everything happens for a reason… and that karma exists. it really does. every action has a reaction (which isn’t even religion, it’s science) — and the fact of the matter is, all you people focusing your daily lives devoted to your beliefs that you think are so right, so much so that you think others are just plain “wrong” — if you did a little research, you’d probably find that you share a lot of common ground. i’m not saying there shouldn’t be reformed religion, i just think it wouldn’t kill you to see what else is out there before deciding who to hold responsible for your life’s fate.

day 3 - substances.

2010-10-09T01:58:00.002-05:00

(full list) - 03 - what are your views on drugs and alcohol?

my friend sent me this via MMS on my birthday, isn't it beautiful?

i remember trying to have a conversation with my mom about pot one day and the only thing i remember her saying to me was, “only certain types of people should smoke marijuana; musicians, and people who have cancer.” “what? musicians?” “yea, you know – like rockstars. they do drugs, but they’re supposed to.” so, what i took away from that conversation was that she was okay with pot smoking. so i did, in her house. one late night on a visit to chicago. to which she busts into the room and calmly says, “ok, for as long as the law says it’s illegal, that stuff is not allowed in my house.” fair enough.

in an ideal world, i would like to think that all drugs that grow naturally, should be decriminalized. not picked, packaged and sold/taxed legally like cigarettes and alcohol, but if you wanted to wander into the desert and suck on peyote – it should be in the realm of one’s free will to do so. but to counteract all the stupidity, when we’re in school learning about fallopian tubes and urethras, throw in a drug education class as opposed to a “say no to drugs” lecture. ie: “here are the consequences of what happens when you ingest, inject, inhale, or snort this, this and this… do with that information as you wish.”

in high school i guess you could say i was pretty “straight-edged,” the most i could’ve gotten into trouble for would have been zero-tolerance (underaged drinking) or breaking curfew (the ones by illinois state law, not my parents – which, has actually happened to me once when i was fifteen, but that’s another story.) i have lived on a college campus at one point in my life, so – i have tried a handful of narcotics here and there… most of them only once — and if i had enough faith in humanity, i would say that everyone who’s curious enough, should try whatever they want – at least once. (with the exception of heroin – i have this thing about the evils of heroin, but again, another story.) but i should add a disclaimer here: if in the event i ever have children, hypocrisy will ensue – and i will deny ever saying any of this, until they have grown.

here’s my bottom line: i never understood, nor will i ever, how alcohol and cigarettes remain legal — but everything else is such taboo. they can make a shit load of prescription drugs that doctors and therapists (sorry, i know therapists like to think of themselves as real doctors – joke!) prescribe to people who are “chemically imbalanced” but what the fuck? one day you have a friend on antidepressants… and the next thing you know, they’ve added some sort of amphetamine so they can counteract the lack of energy/motivation, along with some kind of diazepam to take off the edge… and don’t forget the benzodiazepine to help them fall sleep… and then as the years go on, they stop working, so they up the dosages — and then one day you realize your friend has completely transformed into a zombie because s/he has completely forgotten what emotions are, let alone how to deal with them.

suffice it to say that i agree and disagree with a lot of points in our current system – just the same, i don’t have any answers or substantial ideas to better it. all i know, is that it’s such a backwards world we live in.

day 2 - ten years.

2010-10-08T01:51:00.000-05:00

(full list) - 02 - where do you want to be in ten years?

i have always hated this question. what does it matter where i want to be in ten years? in ten years, i want the things i’m doing now, to matter. in ten years, i want to feel exactly how i feel now: beautiful, young and free. but i won’t.

remember back in elementary school, when one of your idiotic teachers thought it would be a good idea for the whole class to write letters to their future selves, talking about all the things you think you’re going to accomplish between then and when you get the letter? usually it’s a 5-10 year project… and then one rainy afternoon, you get the letter… only to feel shitty about yourself because you didn’t become that astronaut you dreamt about, or you didn’t go to medical school like you said you would, a decision you so adamantly made in second grade… or you’re not married with a bajillion kids living in a house with a giant backyard for your golden retriever named “brownie.”

the point is, i don’t know where i will be in ten years. if i had to wager money on it, my bet would lie with the prediction that i won’t be anywhere near what i thought, or wanted to be. and i’m not saying that’s a bad thing. it just is, what it is. but if i have to choose… i want to be a non-smoking, established photographer making a comfortable living… in a city where people are kind, near the ocean – with a dog named glenn.

day 1 - relationship.

2010-10-07T01:44:00.002-05:00

(full list) - 01 - discuss your current relationship.

i honestly don’t even know where to begin. for most of our relationship any story i’ve told has been in pictures, so to talk about it in words – isn’t exactly easy. (anyone who has known me longer than 10 years would be laughing right now, but that’s another story.)

in regards to our first meeting, let’s just say his version of the story is a little different than mine, in that he claims i dropped the f-bomb a few more times than i recall, but – i will say right here right now that he’s just flat-out lying. i know this, because we met at my place of work. the short version of the story is: a customer hit on the bartender, and whatever he said or did, worked. but our story isn’t exactly like that. nor is this supposed to be a story about how we met.

we met almost two years ago. we moved in together almost exactly a year ago (no joke, we’re resigning our lease at the end of the month.) evidently in “new york relationship time” — two years is a “long” time to be with someone. for me, two years is just the tip of the iceberg – and i say this after spending 680 days out of 700 (give or take) looking at his face, being in the same room, sleeping in the same bed… day in, day out… yes, you get to find out a whole buncha stuff about that person… but there’s always… always more.

if i had to pick one defining difference between this relationship and all the ones of my past – it would have to be the fact that i have definitely learned to look at myself more. learning how to utilize the whole, “imagine yourself in their shoes” tactic… and lemme tell ya, i ain’t no peach. i’ve learned that i am extremely selfish, that i have a hard time sympathizing with sensitivity and for whatever damn reason, i always think i’m right – which is fine, when you are – but most of the time, i am wrong. which leads me to how apologizing, brings on a whole different set of problems. it’s almost like i have to shove all ten of my bony fingers down my throat to regurgitate two simple words that solves almost every problem: “i’m sorry.” but… and this is a big ‘but’… i also know, i am a good girlfriend.

i am faithful, always have been. i say what i mean and mean what i say. “i love you” isn’t just three words strung together, it isn’t a moment of infatuation that fades away into the night, it’s not something you say to get someone off your back. it’s a promise. a deep-rooted emotion, a pang in the gut… it’s something you say to someone after you thought long and hard about it and realize — there isn’t a goddamn thing in this world you wouldn’t sacrifice for them.

so yea, i love david becker winters.

days of yore.

2010-05-01T12:00:00.002-05:00

a couple months ago david's cousin, a senior in high school, was asking if we knew how to properly cite websites for research papers. i thought, "shit, i was awesome at this stuff in school... why can't i remember how to cite websites?" on top of the last time i wrote a term paper being somewhere over a decade ago... we honestly rarely used "the web" as a means of information and/or research. we used textbooks, actual encyclopedias, and remember MICROFICHE?!! aah, periodicals.

and then when we went to the library if we wanted to find a book, we had to go over to that giant wall of apothecary drawers filled with index cards where every book was filed and accounted for, neatly and according to the dewey decimal system. we didn't have to walk eight miles to school in ten feet of snow with no shoes like our parents, but the point is, look at what happens within a decade.

remember when the internet first became public and everyone jumped on that shit? america on-line monopolized on that, real quick -- and then came broadband/high-speed/dsl. no more annoying muffled dial-up screeches, no more initialization waiting time... but how quick we are to forget how efficient our lives have become... the minute something we've grown accustomed to, breaks down or stops working (usually temporarily) -- your cell phone drops a call, "fuck t-mobile, they SUCK." but i bet you're not screaming, "I LOVE T-MOBILE!!" every time a call/text goes through, which happens more than it doesn't. your router is on the fritz, "fucking time warner, pieces of shits." but no one gets excited anymore at the instantaneous response of your current browser of choice all the times your router is working. in the choice words of louis c.k: "how quick the world owes us something, we only found out about, ten seconds ago... you non-contributing zero." or something like that.

the marvels of technology are at our fingertips, literally. the future is now, be amazed.

cubs win! cubs win! (big time, too.)

2010-04-25T16:19:00.005-05:00

i went in to work yesterday and was told i had to bartend a 25-30 person private party for this guy's 30th birthday party from 7-9. usually, these things are lame, because they're easy - keep the stationary apps full so no one's hungry, and the bar only gets "busy" when you yell "last call for open bar!!"

i ended up chatting it up with a bunch of cool people, none of whom were "weird" - because there's always "that weird guy"... 'cept for this kid who i got to talking about baseball with. he wasn't so much weird... as he was... a douche. turns out he's a cardinals fan. (nothing to do with him being a douche.) yay, fine. you have an awesome team. i do not. gives us something to talk about, same division... rivals... all that good stuff. but then he starts to insult me - saying, while shaking is long bony pointer-finger at me (i hate that shit), and i quote: "the reason why cubs fans are so stupid and are the worst is because they sell-out every game, even when they suck." i was baffled by this and had to ask what his point was, because i don't see anything wrong with that. and then i told him i didn't appreciate him calling me, "stupid."

he tells me that true fans should only support their team when they are good because otherwise you're just giving your money to a team that has no respect for it. he didn't say that, but that's the jist i got, only because any other argument would just be asinine and would infuriate me to even listen to, let alone comprehend.

i continue to explain that therein lies the difference between fair-weather and loyalty. that the whole point of being a fan of a team is to be there through all the fantastic moments - but to see them at their lowest and shittiest... kind of like yin and yang you 'tard, how the hell are you supposed to appreciate the sweet without the bitter? secondly, when you have a favorite sports team (especially baseball), it usually has some sort of relation to your childhood, where you were raised - or where you feel the most connected to, when you think of home. you think i WANT to be a cubs fan? you think i ENJOY seeing my team filled with high-salaried players not playing up to their expected potential? no. nor do i find enthrallment in having them win the pennant... then lose in the first round of the playoffs... to the underdogs... who then went on to win the world series that year...

after every shitty year i tell myself i'm picking a different team next season. but what other team is there? i was raised in the outskirts of clark and addison, it's been the longest constant in my life, and on top of everything else, it gives me something to hope for and something to look forward to. the year that all the waiting stops, that all the pieces fall into place and all the sacrifices, the upsets, the LOYALTY.... pays off. and it will. preferably in my lifetime. so suck on that, cardinals fan who's name i didn't get because you were stupid.

unofficial will.

2010-04-25T01:13:00.010-05:00

(screenshot via google images.)

touchy subject, but it's been on my mind lately, and i feel as though i need to get it writing. as the years pass, it becomes more and more evident there's no such thing as forever. that death is inevitable and looming, and it happens at all kinds of times. young, old, healthy, ill... you can have multiple doctors put a life-expectancy rate on your terminal illness and even then, only the gods know.

i can firmly state that i am not scared of death but i am pretty terrified of dying. like most normal human beings, i want it to be quiet, painless and preferably in my sleep. and then there are days when i wake up and think, "hey - today, i can get hit by a bus crossing the street." or even more, "hrm, a bomb might go off on my train ride to work today." all of that, i am ok with. more in the sense that i've grown accustomed to enjoying my day to day life that if it were to end tomorrow, there is nothing i regret... no unfinished business. i just don't want to get hit by a bus, NOT die, and instead wake up in a hospital three months later in a full body cast wondering what the hell just happened.

the point of all this, is an unofficial will via blogger - for all two of my readers who i trust would spread the word to the people necessary (whom i've all also had this conversation with in person) -- in the event of what to do if i were to unexpectedly... well, die.

i want to be cremated. no ifs ands or buts. funeral costs are just way too much to be burying a dead body into the ground in a fancy box that will never be seen or used again. i want my ashes spread amongst the closest people in my life. this includes friends and family. when the time comes, the ones who've known me the best, will know what to do. with those separated ashes, i would like them sealed into some sort of easy traveling container (think zip-lock bag) and spread wherever the bearer thinks i would enjoy them to be spread. for example, when we were in costa rica - we spread some of our friend (and brother)'s ashes over the jungle during our last (and longest) stretch on the zip-line.

in the event that it's a medical condition and i'm stuck in a hospital and about to go under for a potentially fatal surgery, i have every intention of signing a DNR... life support isn't worth it... and do you know how much it costs to stay in a dang hospital bed overnight let alone with machines hooked up to you helping your heart pump? no thank you.

and lastly, i am an organ donor. it says so on my drivers license, but just in case there are any debates. i guess the only things i could really donate are my eyes - since they're the only things that work spectacularly and that i haven't damaged throughout the years with bad choices (ie., liver & lungs.) my kidneys are probably still good, but we can let the doctors figure that out. now, this is only in regards to saving someone else's life... not science. although, sure - if it means they're conducting tests on lost cures for diseases, donate away. if i still have super-long hair, chop it off and please donate to locks of love.

ok, i think that's it.

oh wait, material possessions. i have none of any monetary worth, except for any camera equipment. any and all of that goes to my brother. body, lenses, lights, tripod... all of it.

just for good measure, i am not in a sad or depressed mood. i am not on my period or about to be, in fact, i had a very enjoyable week (despite working every night) and am happy to be home, with my loves... it's just something i think about on a semi-daily basis, and always say i'm going to put in writing, but never do because it's just so silly. but here it is. bam. done.

signed,

jennie j. song.

2010-04-19T23:45:00.003-05:00

it's still early. but c'mon. one inning, three pitchers - five runs. FIVE. three of which happened with two outs. good job guys. we were the favorites and we lost, to the mets.

samardzija about to walk wright, who then steals second.

20 simple ways to get happy.

2010-04-06T01:25:00.002-05:00

(via readersdigest.com) state of mind. happiness is ephemeral, subject to the vagaries of everything from the weather to the size of your bank account. we're not suggesting that you can reach a permanent state called "happiness" and remain there. but there are many ways to swerve off the path of anxiety, anger, frustration, and sadness into a state of happiness once or even several times throughout the day. here are twenty ideas to get you started. choose the ones that work for you. ditch the rest.

1. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS. be in the moment instead of worrying about your checkup tomorrow while you have dinner with your family, focus on there here and now -- the food, the company, the conversation.

2. LAUGH OUT LOUD. just anticipating a happy, funny event can raise levels of endorphins and other pleasure-inducing hormones and lower production of stress hormones. researchers at UC Irvine, tested sixteen men who all agreed they thought a certain videotape was funny. half were told three days in advance they would watch it. they started experiencing biological changes right away. when they actually watched the video, their levels of stress hormones dropped significantly, while their endorphin levels rose twenty percent and their growth hormone levels (indicating benefit to the immune system) rose 87 percent.

3. GO TO SLEEP. we have become a nation of sleep-deprived citizens. taking a daily nap or getting into bed at 8 p.m. one night with a good book -- and turning out the light an hour later -- can do more for your mood and outlook on life than any number of bubble baths or massages.

4. HUM ALONG. music soothes more than the savage beast. studies find music activates parts of the brain that produce happiness -- the same parts activated by food or sex. it's also relaxing. in one study older adults who listened to their choice of music during their outpatient eye surgery had significantly lower heart rates, blood pressure, and cardiac workload (that is, their heart didn't have to work as hard) as those who had silent surgery.

5. DECLUTTER. it's nearly impossible to meditate, breathe deeply, or simply relax when every surface is covered with papers and bills and magazines, your cabinets bulge, and you haven't balanced your checkbook in six months. plus, the repetitive nature of certain cleaning tasks -- such as sweeping, wiping, and scrubbing -- can be meditative in an of itself if you focus on what you're doing. (i firmly believe this to be true.)

6. JUST SAY NO. eliminate activities that aren't necessary and that you don't enjoy. if there are enough people already to handle the church bazaar and you're feeling stressed by the thought of running the committee for yet another year, step down and let someone else handle things.

7. MAKE A LIST. there's nothing like writing down your tasks to help you organize your thoughts and calm your anxiety. checking off each items provides a great sense of fulfillment. (also something i am a firm advocate of. i dunno if it's an asian thing or a virgo thing or a combination of both, but it works.)

8. DO ONE THING AT A TIME. edward suarez, ph.d., associate professor of medical psychology at duke, found that people who multitask are more likely to have high blood pressure. (makes sense) take that finding to heart. instead of talking on the phone while you fold laundry or clean the kitchen, sit down in a comfortable chair and turn your entire attention over to the conversation. instead of checking e-mail as you work on other projects, turn off your e-mail function until you finish writing the report you were working on. this is similar to the concept of mildfulness.

9. GARDEN. not only will the fresh air and exercise provide their own stress reduction and feeling of well-being, but the sense of accomplishment that comes from clearing a weedy patch, watching seeds turn into flowers, or pruning out dead wood will last for hours, if not days.

10. TUNE OUT THE NEWS. for one week go without reading the newspaper, watching the news, or scanning the headlines online. instead, take a vacation from the misery we're exposed to every day via the media and use that time for a walk, a meditation session, or to write in your journal.

(diazepam is kicking in, so i'll save 11-20 for later...)

2010-04-03T14:28:00.000-05:00

jay pritzker pavillion is a bandshell in millenium park in the loop community area of chicago in cook county, illinois. today's wikipedia featured article. *tear. good memories.

a ribbon on the finger.

2010-04-02T00:12:00.003-05:00

(photo via.) i was extremely parched so i walked into the kitchen to get myself a glass of water. i always like the coldest water possible -- so i let the water run for a minute before i pour myself some. sometimes, i'm so thirsty i'll fill the glass, chug it - as i leave the water running - and then refill. as i chugged that first glass a minute ago, i stood there... watching the water run... and thought to myself, "damn. i'm lucky to be able to walk right over to the next room and pour myself a glass of water, any time i want." ANY TIME. all this talk about droughts and low water supply... yet, it's always there. food is one thing, but something so simple like water. too many people don't have that... and i just let it run.

i'm not going out tomorrow and signing up for the peace corps (they wouldn't take me anyway) -- but i'm writing this more as a reminder to myself to always be thankful for the little things. at least until i write my next blog entry and this one moves to the next page and i forget about it entirely. but for now, thank you new york city for the best tap water, ever!

2010-04-01T00:57:00.005-05:00

photo: usnews.

"behind every successful, strong man stands... a very surprised woman."

- sarah palin, on john and cindy mccain.

2010-03-30T01:23:00.001-05:00

david and hubert, doing what they do best.

2010-03-25T15:25:00.002-05:00

"for me, a tuxedo is a way of life. when an invitation says black tie optional, it is always safer to wear a black tie. my basic rules are to have shirt cuffs extended half an inch from the jacket sleeve. trousers should break just above the shoe. try not to sit down because it wrinkles the pants. if you have to sit, don't cross your legs. pocket handkerchiefs are optional, but i always wear one, usually orange, since orange is my favorite color. shine your mary janes on the underside of a couch cushion."

THE RULES

1. it takes two hands to put on a hat the right way: back brim curled up, front tugged down a couple of inches above the right brow.

2. never wear a brown hat at night. never.

3. there's no excuse for brown shoes past sundown... or white shoes. or anything gray, unless it's deep charcoal. or blue, unless it's midnight blue. in fact, let's keep it simple: after dark, men should wear black.

4. ties should be silk. and conservative.

5. cuff links always. but leave the fancy jewelry to sammy.

6. when dressing formally, a vest is better than a cummerbund.

7. don't wear a tuxedo on sunday.

8. having messy closets is like putting on clean clothes over dirty underwear.

9. the shower is a great place to steam out the wrinkles in your dinner jacket.

10. orange is the happiest color.

11. don't hide your scars. they make you who you are.

12. when it comes to pockets, everything should have its own place.

13. a pocket handkerchief is essential, but it needs to be perfectly folded.

14. shine your shoes.

15. trim. buff. clean.

16. take your hand off the suit, creep.

adapted by sinatra
from the way you wear your hat, by bill zehme.

the crowd has nothing to envy.

2010-03-25T12:54:00.001-05:00

"the only place you'll find a perfect person, the perfect family or a perfect life is in television commercials for butter." (via iwrotethisforyou.)

ten originally disturbing fairy tale classics.

2010-03-23T16:05:00.003-05:00

(via thatguywiththeglasses.) some fairy tales weren't originally written to entertain children before they went to bed. no, some were written to scare the shit out of kids so they would never even consider misbehaving. others simply weren't for kids at all. i knew a few of them by word of mouth and decided to do some research to find out what i could dig up on more. as it turns out, sometimes the princess isn't saved at the end after all. sometimes, she is saved, but she goes through even worse shit afterwards. some of these are pretty tame, some aren't. regardless, i think in honor of what might be another disney classic based on a fairy tale, i present to you the ten classic fairy tales that were originally disturbing: (i'm just going to credit google images for the pictures...)

10. THE FROG PRINCE.

a prince was put under a spell that turns him into a frog. a princess comes along and breaks the spell by kissing him. short and sweet. but in the original, the prince's spell wasn't broken with a kiss. it was broken when the princess violently threw him against the wall in disgust. that kind of kills the thought of the princess seeing his inner beauty, doesn't it? in earlier versions, the spell is lifted when the frog gets the girl to cut off his head with a rusty sword.

09. BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.

in the disney version, belle's father is imprisoned for trespassing. belle goes off looking for him and finds he is imprisoned for life by the beast. she decides to bargain with him to take her father's place. she develops a crush on him, he loves her, he turns into a prince. most of this is consistent with the original, except in an early version he explains that he was turned into a beast because he seduced an orphan. wait, he had sex with a child whose hard life already involved not having any parents? that's pretty unforgivable, right? well, not according to belle.

08. PINOCCHIO.

this wooden boy has a conscious he doesn't always listen to, but that results in exciting adventures. he's good at heart, so a fairy turns him into a real boy. however, this wasn't originally intended for kids. pinocchio's hard life was harder than we remember. geppetto goes to prison under the assumption that he abuses pinocchio because geppetto has a reputation for hating children. jimmy cricket, orignally nameless, is at least a century old in the original and tells pinocchio to obey geppetto and makes comments on how pinocchio is only made of wood. afterwhich, pinocchio accidentally kills him with a hammer. while geppetto is in prison, pinocchio is forced to beg for food on the street, with no success. at one point, he has freezing cold water dumped on him and in attempts to warm up, accidentally burns off his feet. after geppetto is released, they live together to finally... continue living in extreme poverty. surely there's a happy ending to this depressing story. wrong. in the original version, pinocchio ends up dying a gruesome death, hanged for his many faults.

07. RUMPELSTILTSKIN.

a miller lied to the king by saying his daughter could spin straw into gold. the king tells her to do it or she's imprisoned forever, so she makes a deal with a dwarf. he'll spin straw into gold for material things until she runs out. the last deal made was for her first born son. she marries the prince and the dwarf comes to collect. with a startling twist, she doesn't want to give up her only child to this scary dwarf! he tries to toy with her by making her guess his name to save the boy, she figures it out, he stomps around until the falls into the ground, the end. in an early version, rumpelstiltskin stomps until his foot gets stuck. he pulls on it so hard that he literally rips himself in half. in a few versions, the child dies anyway and her punishment is much more severe. if she couldn't spin straw into gold, she would have been skewered and stewed like a pig.

06. HANSEL AND GRETEL.

hansel and gretel get lost in the woods when their trail of breadcrumbs gets eaten. they find a house made of good, a witch tries to eat them, they trick her, the end. in the original, it goes into more detail as to why they get lost. some versions pull the evil step-mother card, but originally there was no step-mother. they were part of a poor family and the mother persuaded the father to abandon their own children because they couldn't afford to feed them. not the most horrifying of twists, but still pretty harsh.

in an earlier french version, it wasn't the witch's house they found, it was a normal red house some woman lived in. she told them they could stay there, but would have to hide from her husband, Satan - who'd want nothing more than to eat them. they thought that sounded good, and stayed. despite their hiding, the devil could still smell them because they were Christians. of course. he swiftly beats the shit out of his wife and locks up the boy. he has the girl feed her brother until he's fat enough which he tests by having her cut off the tips of her fingers, which she faked for a while - but got caught. he makes a sawhorse and tells the boy to get on so he can slowly bleed to death. the boy acts like he doesn't know how, so the devil has his wife demonstrate. hansel and gretel quickly tie her to it and cut her throat with the saw and escape to take care of the parents that abandoned them.

05. THE LITTLE MERMAID.

it starts out similar to the disney version. ariel turns 15 and decides to go to the surface. there, she finds a ship being ripped apart by a storm. a handsome prince falls overboard and she saves him by taking him to shore. she waits there until a temple girl finds him and takes him in. she's convinced she has fallen in love with the prince. in the original, she exchanges her tongue for a chance at getting the prince and a soul (for some reason mermaids don't have souls) and not her voice. drinking the potion made by the sea witch made her feel like a sword was passing through her and walking on a bed of knives. she will only get a soul if the prince loves her and marries her, the reason being - part of his soul would flow into her. otherwise, at dawn on the first day after he marries another woman, the little mermaid would die and turn into sea foam. soon the time comes when the king decides the prince is going to marry the neighboring king's daughter. the prince tells the mermaid he does not love her, that he can only have the temple girl that he thinks saved his life. he also tells the mermaid that she is beginning to take that girl's place in his heart, but it's eventually revealed that the princess IS the temple girl (whoa, twist.)

the prince and the princess get married and the little mermaid's heart breaks. she thinks about all that she has given up in order to be with him and to gain an eternal soul. before dawn breaks, her sisters pay her a visit and give her a knife given by the sea witch in exchange for her hair. if the mermaid murders the prince with that knife, she will become a mermaid again instead of sea foam. but she can't do it, so at dawn, she throws herself into the sea and her body dissolves into foam. not so much "horrifying" as it is depressing. ahh, love.

04. SNOW WHITE.

along the same lines of sleeping beauty, with more of an emphasis on an evil step-mother. she wanted her dead because snow white was prettier. there were dwarfs, singing and dancing, blah blah - she puts snow white into a coma until a prince wakes her up, because that will somehow solve all the queen's problems. snow white's original age was seven, which is disturbing all on its own. she was forced to step into red-hot iron shoes and dance until she fell down dead. in their first edition, the brothers grimm published the version they had first collected, in which the villain is actually snow white's jealous birth mother. in other versions, the step-mother is a cannibal and wants to eat snow white's organs.

03. CINDERELLA.

another wicked step-mother story. cinderella is a poor girl who is treated like a slave by her step-mother and step-sisters after her dad dies. animals seem to be her only friends. along comes a fairy god mother to give her some nice clothes and a way to get to the ball. there, the prince falls for her and dances with her until her curfew where she runs out the door leaving behind a slipper. he searches far and wide for the girl that fits into that slipper and finds his way to her house. the step-sisters have big feet, cinderella does not. the end.

in the original, the sisters actually manage to fit into the slipper. the first step-sister cuts of her toe, but birds point out the blood dripping from the show and he returns the false bride to her mother. the second step-sister cuts off her heel, which results the same way. in the end, the evil step-sisters are punished for their deception by having their eyes pecked out by birds and being forced to live as blind beggers for the rest of the lives, because walking around on bloody stumps wasn't enough.

02. SLEEPING BEAUTY.

she's placed into a coma and awakened by a handsome prince. part one of the original. part two, they get married in secret and have a son and daughter, which he kept secret from his mother, the queen - because she was an ogre that hungered for human flesh. (what?!) once he took the throne, he moved his family in and left it in the care of the ogre queen while he went to make war with his neighbor, smart move.

the ogre queen sent his sleeping beauty and their children to a house in the woods, where she ordered a chef to cook the boy. the chef decided to replace the boy with a lamb in special sauce, which worked in fooling the ogre queen. she then demanded the girl, which was replaced with a young goat prepared in the same sauce. she soon realized the kids had survived and built a pit in the courtyard filled with deadly creatures to kill the king's wife and children. but the king returned before they all got murdered and the ogre queen committed suicide by plunging herself into the pit.

in a french version, a kiss doesn't wake beauty, he finds her sleeping and rapes her while she's still asleep and she becomes pregnant with twins. she wakes up when one of them starts sucking on her finger to remove the flax that was keeping her asleep. the king, married to someone else, finds out beauty woke up, but decides to keep it a secret. when his wife finds out, she insists his children be killed and cooked and fed to the king while she taunted him. after that, it's basically the same as the english version.

01. LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD.

the sugar-coated version of this story even scared me as a child. this little girl wants to go to her grandmother's house. on her way, she runs into a wolf that gives her the wrong directions. he gets there first and eats the grandmother and then the girl. a hunter appears out of nowhere and cuts the wolf open, freeing the uninjured girl and grandmother. there are nicer versions, but that's the one i grew up with.

in the original, more cannibalism. except this time, it wasn't intentional. earlier versions have the wolf leave the grandmother's blood and flesh for the girl to eat, who then accidentally cannibalizes her own grandmother. once the girl is in bed with the wolf, she sees his disguise and tries to escape by telling him she needs to take a shit (that's not even a joke), but he eventually eats her anyway. no hunter. the end.

2010-03-13T01:58:00.005-05:00

what a crazy day. i love you.

10 steps...

2010-03-11T15:48:00.003-05:00

for boosting creativity. by jeffrey baumgartner.

01. listen to music by johann sebastian bach. if bach doesn't make you more creative, you should probably see your doctor - or your brain surgeon. also if you are troubled by headaches, hallucinations or strange urges in the middle of the night.

02. brainstorm. if properly carried out, brainstorming can help you not only come up with sacks full of new ideas, but can help you decide which is best. (more on brainstorming.)

03. always carry a small notebook and pen/pencil around with you. that way, if you are struck by an idea, you can quickly jot it down. upon reading your notes, you may discover about 90% of your ideas are daft. don't worry, that's normal. what's important are the brilliant 10%.

04. if you're stuck for an idea, open a dictionary, randomly pick a word and then try to formulate ideas incorporating this word. you'd be surprised at how well this works. the concept is based on a simple but little known truth: freedom inhibits creativity. there is nothing like restrictions to get you thinking.

05. define your problem. grab a sheet of paper, electronic notebook, computer, whatever - and define your problem in detail. hopefully you'll find some ideas...

06. if you can't think, go for a walk. a change of atmosphere is good and gentle exercise helps shake up the brain cells.

07. don't watch tv. experiments performed by the JPB creative laboratory show that watching tv causes your brain to slowly trickle out your ears and nose. it's not pretty, but it happens.

08. don't do drugs. people on drugs think they are creative. to everyone else, they seem like people on drugs.

09. read as much as you can about everything possible. books exercise your brain, provide inspiration and fill you with information that allows you to make creative connections easily.

10. exercise your brain. brains, like bodies, need exercise to keep fit. if you don't, it becomes flabby and useless. read a lot (see above), talk to clever people and disagree. arguing can be a terrific work out. but note, arguing about politics or film is good; bickering over who should clean the dishes, is not.

(photo via youth for change.)

"creativity

is seeing something

new when you look at something old.

it is at the heart of civilizations

and is the driving force of

revolution.

dirty hipsters.

2010-03-10T14:32:00.006-05:00

we've been living on the third floor apartment in an awesome three-unit building in williamsburg for about five months now and a month or so ago, these dirty hipsters moved into the first floor apartment and have basically ruined our sweet landlord's life. only, he doesn't even realize it yet --

{rewind.} in the middle of february, johnny (our landlord) sends out a mass email to all the tenants letting us know he was going to be in the UK until the middle of march. the email included information on how to get him the march rent, a list of emergency phone numbers... and a nice lengthy description on how to properly dispose of the trash. evidently the sanitation department around this hood is enthralled by the act writing up fines and citations for anyone who doesn't know how to tie up bags and separate recycling. not rocket science, right?

every week this month, the sanitation guys have left behind bags of unseparated recyclables on the sidewalk because the idiot hipsters either don't know what the phrase "separate bags" means or are simply, too lazy. (which is worse?!!) none of us mind the noisy, late night weekend parties but we're definitely not fans of stepping into a pile of vomit on our landing because for whatever reason, your guests thought hanging out in front of our door would be more fun. but the kicker was finding three members of the FDNY acting as my very own personal alarm clock this morning telling me i have to climb down my fire escape immediately because a fire broke out in the building. where? that's right, the first floor apartment.

other than the heavy stench of burnt plastic in the air, the top two apartments are fine. and let's just say i hope the first floor tenants have renters insurance. and i also hope they find their cat. i almost feel bad for them... but, not really. no one was hurt, and karma's a nasty bitch. (evidently, so am i.)

legal rights of photographers.

2010-03-09T23:31:00.009-05:00

by andrew kantor, may 2009. his disclaimer states, "i am not a lawyer. i have no had legal training. i am just a guy who did some research on this topic. don't consider this document as legal advice; it may be wrong. consult your own attorney if you have questions; this is just one person's understanding and overview." he listed his references on the last page of his pdf and here's another one from an actual lawyer, updated in 2006.

-----------------------

if anyone can see it, you can shoot it.

you can legally take pictures of anything that is visible to the general public (without special equipment -- eg., a telephoto lens), whether it or you are on public or private property.

that means you can legally take pictures of children, athletes, people on the street, beach bathers, buildings, cars, policemen, accident scenes, government officials, airplanes, airports, trains, and so on.

you can legally take pictures when you are on private property, if that property is open to the public (eg., a mall or office complex.)

you do not need permission to take pictures. what law says you can't take pictures?

all that said, there are two important caveats.

while there are few exceptions to what you can photograph, there are exceptions to what you can publish. (more later.)
although it is legal to take pictures while on private property, you could still be guilty of trespassing if the owner of that property tells you not to, or if he demands you to leave.

what you can't photograph.

where photography has been prohibited by law. that's by law, not by private "no photography" signs. what's prohibited by law? photography of certain government facilities (usually of a military nature) -- you will be well aware of this prohibition if you encounter one. for example, it is apparently against the law to take photographs of bridges in the new york city area.
things that require special equipment to see -- ie., they wouldn't be visible to the public. so using a telephoto lens* on a rooftop to shoot a woman on the fifth floor of an apartment building is a no-no. invasion of privacy. (technically, taking the picture isn't illegal, violating privacy is.

*note that using a telephoto to shoot pedestrians from a rooftop (or soccer plays on a field) is fine; they have no expectation of privacy.

all of that said, just because you can shoot something doesn't mean you can publish it.

what you can't publish.

let's get the easy stuff out of the way: when it comes to non-human subjects, the only things that you cannot publish are copyrighted images (more later) and potentially images that give away a secret (in which case you would have been someplace inaccessible to the public to get the shot -- ie., the vault holding coca-cola's secret formula, or a military base.)

when it comes to people, though, there are a few more rules. breaking one (or more) isn't against the law, but you could lose a civil suit for invasion of privacy or (in one case) libel.

in fact, publication of photos is all about three parts of privacy law -- private facts, falst light, and misappropriation. they tell you whether or not a photo can be published without opening yourself to a lawsuit -- regardless of how the photo was obtained. in other words, even if a photographer violates a subject's right to privacy, publishing the photos is not illegal.

from the photographer's guide to privacy:

even if a news organization arguable violates a subject's right to privacy, the subject's remedy usually will not include the ability to bar the publication of the picture (see CBS, inc. v. Davis, 113 S.Ct. 912.)

here are the questions to ask if you want to know whether it's all right to publish a photograph of someone.

did the subject of the photo have an expectation of privacy? it doesn't matter whether she was on public or private property; was she making a reasonable effort to avoid being seen?

if not, the picture is probably all right to publish -- meaning your risk of losing an invasion or privacy lawsuit is slim. but if you need to take any kind of extraordinary means to get the shot -- telephoto, hidden camera -- forget it.

but what if the person does have an expectation of privacy, whether she's in her bedroom or he's sitting on a park bench huddled over a medicine bottle? then there are some more questions...

is the picture embarrassing to a typical person? does it reveal private and non-newsworthy information that a reasonable person wouldn't want publicly known? sneaking into your ex-girlfriend's apartment and getting a shot of her in the bath -- that's a no-go. ditto for a shot of someone, say, taking AIDS medication.

the definition of private information is fairly specific.

from the american law institute:

one who gives publicity to a matter concerning the private life of another is subject to liability to the other for invasion of his privacy, if the matter publicized is of a kind that
(a) would be highly offensive to a reasonable person, and
(b) is not of legitimate concern to the public.
--Restatement (Second) of Torts, § 652D.

does it put the person in a false light? that is, is it published in such a way -- perhaps with a particular caption or a particular collection -- that is implies something untrue about the person? a web page of "my favorite drug addicts" that included a shot of your high school teacher taking an aspirin in the men's room could be considered libelous.

context is (almost) everything. again, from the photographer's guide to privacy:

a photograph or videotape by itself will rarely place a subject in false light. rather, the accompanying text, caption, or voice-over could be misleading and portray the person in a false context. however, an accurate depiction of a person in a publication the person finds offensive does not, in itself, state a false light claim.

misappropriation.

everyone has the right to the commercial use of his or her image. that means you can't sell a picture of, say, eli manning without his permission.

per the american law institute:

one who appropriates to his own use or benefit the name or likeness of another is subject to liability to the other for invasion of privacy.
--Restatement (Second) of Torts, § 652C.

there's an important exception to all this: news value. you can take anyone's photo -- including eli manning's -- and put it in a newspaper, magazine, or web site in a news context (eg., "eli manning makes surprise shopping trip to smallville," or "quarterback john doe takes a drink before the start of the 3rd quarter.")

as the photographer's guide to privacy explains:

under these laws the use of a relevant picture to illustrate a newsworthy article will generally not lead to liability. the unauthorized use of a celebrity's picture is an advertisement often will.

but what if it's not in a news context? whether you're allowed to publish (without fear of lawsuit) comes down to this: is the value of the image based on the identity of the person pictured? if it's more what someone is doing rather than who they are, you're probably in the clear. for example, if you have a picture of a generic guy playing touch football on the beach, you can probably publish it -- but if it's a picture of dante culpepper playing on the beach, the picture is valuable because of him. and he owns the right to his image. this doesn't just apply to big-name celebrities. the local high-school quarterback, also owns the rights to his image.

that's why there are model releases. protecting the photographer by giving him permission to publish and sell those images (depending on wording of release.)

what about selling?

one of the most frequent questions i get is along these lines: i shoot my kids soccer games. can i sell the pictures on my web site? can i sell pictures of individual kids to their parents?

if you've got general action shots of a game, yes, you can publish and sell them on your web site. when it comes to individual shots, though, it's a different matter.

remember, people own the rights to their images. that means you can't sell a photo of "billy stevens, goalkeeper" without his permission -- at least not to the public. but you can sell it to him (or his parents) because the act of buying it from you indicates they agree to your profiting from it... at least from them.

you can also put them on a web site. you can't sell images of individuals (expect as mentioned) but you can show off your skills. just be careful -- if one of those players claims that his particular image is worth something, and that you are profiting from having that picture, you may have to take it down. but it's a tough argument to make if he's not a celebrity.

trademark and copyright.

some inanimate objects are protected by trademark or copyright law, and selling picture of them violate those laws.

one of the more famous of these is the Hollywood sign. you can shoot it and publish the image (the hollywood trust even has a "list of suggestions for safe, legal spots where you can go to get that perfect picture of the sign") but you can't sell it. ditto for some other private buildings, as well as things like hersey's kisses, crayloa crayons, lego bricks, las vegas hotels, etc.

remember, this only applies to selling images. so yes, you can publish a picture of your six year old drawing with a crayola crayon on your web site. don't forget about news value.

what people can do to you.

if you are on public property, you have the right to be left alone. people cannot badger you to stop taking photos, nor can they threaten you (physically or otherwise, and that includes threatening to call the police.)

private citizens, including security guards, do not have the right to confiscate your equipment or to require you to erase your memory cards (or film.) they do not have the right to threaten you in order to make you do so "voluntarily."

if you are on private property, the owner of that property (or his representative -- eg., a security guard) can make permission to be on that property contingent upon your compliance. in other words, "stop taking pictures and erase your memory card or i'm kicking you out."

failure to abide by this could make you guilty of trespassing, but the photos you take would probably still be legal.

what can a store owner or manager legally do?

ask you to stop photographing. failure to stop could mean you're trespassing.
ask you to leave. failure to leave, trespassing.
ask you to erase your memory card as a condition to remaining. you can choose to erase it or leave the property; failure to do either, trespassing.
ask you to stop shooting and leave. failure to comply, trespassing.

he or she can't demand you erase your memory card or turn over your equipment. that is called theft. he can't threaten you physically or by saying he'll call the police. that's coercion. he can't prevent you from leaving until you comply. that's kidnapping or false imprisonment.

law enforcement officials similarly cannot confiscate your equipment without a court order or if they are placing you under arrest. neither can they destroy your property -- and that includes deleting images or exposing film -- without a court's permission.

of course, they tend to have muscles and guns, which may make it hard to assert your rights. they also, however, have badge numbers and superiors.

what you can do.

know your rights. when someone says, "what gives you the right to take these pictures?"... "we're in a public place" or "i actually don't need permission."

always be polite. firm, but polite. tell the person you understand his concerns, but what you're doing is legal. if someone asks you not to take a photo of her or her kids and it's no big deal, don't. the more polite photographers people encounter the better it is for all of us. that doesn't mean back down whenever someone asks you not to shoot, but weigh the long-term cost of making a big deal about it.
stand firm with the police. if it's the police demanding that you destroy the pictures or turn over your equipment, say (politely) that you don't want to. if they press the point, ask what law you are violating, and under what authority he is asking you to do so. ask if you are under arrest. if you are not, remind him that he can't confiscate your property.

carry a voice recorder.* most digital models have enough storage to record for six-eight hours. if you get into a situation that might be, shall we say, dicey, start recording. if a cop claims you were being belligerent and you can produce a recording of just the opposite, you're in good shape. ditto for private citizens, i speak from experience.

*in 12 states -- CA, CT, FL, IL, MD, MA, MI, MT, NV, NH, PA, WA -- you need to have the consent of all parties in a conversation in order to record it. so recording device in plain view, or skip it.

get photo-recovery software. it allows you to recover deleted images from your memory cards. list of software available here.

what is a man?

2010-03-06T05:19:00.003-05:00

by tom chiarella. via esquire, 2009.

a man carries cash. a man looks out for those around him -- woman, friend, stranger. a man can cook eggs. a man can always find something good to watch on television. a man makes things -- a rock wall, a table, the tuition money. or he rebuilds -- engines, watches, fortunes. he passes along expertise, one man to the next. know-how survives him. this is immortality. a man can speak to dogs. a man fantasizes that kung fu lives deep inside him somewhere. a man knows how to sneak a look at cleavage and doesn't care if he gets busted once in a while. a man is good at his job. not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. not his career. his job. it doesn't matter what his job is, because if a man doesn't like his job, he gets a new one.

a man can look you up and down and figure some things out. before you say a word, he makes you. from your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. a man infers.

a man owns up. a man grasps his mistakes. he lays claim to who he is, and what he is, whether he likes them or not.

some mistakes, though, he lets pass if no one notices. like dropping the steak in the dirt.

a man loves the human body, the revelation of nakedness. he loves the sight of the pale breast, the physics of the human skeleton, the alternating current of the flesh. he is trilled by the snatch, the wrist, the sight of a bare shoulder. he likes the crease of a bent knee. when his woman bends to pick up her underwear, he feels that thrum that only a man can feel.

a man doesn't point out that he did the dishes.

a man looks out for children. makes them stand behind him.

a man knows how to bust balls.

a man has had liquor enough in his life that he can order a drink without sounding breathless, clueless or obtuse. when he doesn't want to think, he orders bourbon or something on tap.

never the sauvingon blanc.

a man welcomes the coming of age. it frees him. it allows him to assume that upper hand and teaches him when to step aside.

maybe he never has, and maybe he never will, but a man figures he can knock someone, somewhere, on his ass.

he does not rely on rationalizations or explanations. he doesn't winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. he doesn't see himself lost in some great maw of humanity, some grand sweep. that's the liberal thread; it's why men won't line up as liberals.

a man gets the door. without thinking.

he stops traffic when he must.

a man resists formulations, questions belief, embraces ambiguity without making a fetish out of it. a man revisits his beliefs. continually. that's why men won't forever line up with conservatives, either.

a man knows his tools and how to use them -- just the ones he needs. knows which saw is for what, how to find the stud, when to use galvanized nails.

a miter saw, incidentally, is the kind that sits on a table, has a circular blade, and is used for cutting at precise angles. very satisfying saw.

a man knows how to lose an afternoon. drinking, playing grand theft auto, driving aimlessly, shooting pool.

he knows how to lose a month, also.

a man listens, and that's how he argues. he crafts opinions. he can pound the table, take the floor. it's not that he must. it's that he can.

a man is comfortable being alone. loves being alone, actually. he sleeps.

or he stands watch. he interrupts trouble. this is the state policeman. this is the poet. men, both of them.

a man loves driving alone most of all.

style -- a man has that. no matter how eccentric that style is, it is uncontrived. it's a set of rules.

he understands the basic mechanics of the planet. or he can close one eye, look up at the sun, and tell you what time of day it is. or where north is. he can tell you where you might find something to eat or where the fish run. he understands electricity or the internal-combustion engine, the mechanics of flight or how to figure a pitcher's ERA.

a man does not know everything. he doesn't try. he likes what other men know.

a man can tell you he was wrong. that he did wrong. that he planned to. he can tell you when he is lost. he can apologize, even if sometimes it's just to put and end to the bickering.

a man does not wither at the thought of dancing. but it is generally to be avoided.

a man watches. sometimes he goes and sits at an auction knowing he won't spend a dime, witnessing the temptation and the maneuvering of others. sometimes he stands on the street corner watching stuff. this is not about quietude so much as collection. it is not about meditation so much as considering. a man refracts his vision and gains acuity. this serves him in every way. no one taught him this -- to be quiet, to cipher, to watch. in this way, in these moments, the man is like a zoo animal: both captive and free. you cannot take your eyes off a man when he is like that. you shouldn't. the hell if you know what he's thinking, who he is, or what he will do next.

itunes on shuffle, 2010.

2010-03-04T15:22:00.001-05:00

the first and last time i did this, was in 2007. my music library has grown (and changed) since then... and because i'm such a good procrastinator and don't feel like reading about color-negative versus color-reverse film anymore... here's one for 2010.

entire library > shuffle > no skipping.

how am i feeling today?
ego tripping at the gates of hell -- the flaming lips.
"i was waiting on a moment
but the moment never came
all the billion other moments
were just slipping all away
i must have been tripping
we're just slipping all away
just ego tripping..."

will i get far in life?
somewhere a clock is ticking -- snow patrol.
"i've got this feeling that there's something that i missed..."

how do my friends see me?
nonpareil of favor -- of montreal.
"my lover, i've been donating
time to review
all the misinterpretations
that define me and you."

when will i get married?
on call -- kings of leon.
"she said call me now baby,
and i'd come a running."

what's my theme song?
you can call me al -- paul simon.
"if you'll be my bodyguard
i can be your long lost pal
i can call you betty
and betty when you call me
you can call me al
call me al."

what is the story of my life?
pissin' on your steps -- del the funky homosapien.
"... now i peep your concept
ya think ya got a rep?
dance all day,
while i'm pissin' on your step..."

what am i like in bed?
heartbeats -- the knife.
"one night of magic rush
the start of a simple touch
one night to push and scren
and make believe."

how can i get ahead in life?
idioteque -- radiohead.
"i laugh until my head comes of,
take the money and run
take the money and run..."

what is my best feature?
gangsta tears -- nas.

how is today going to be?
how it ends -- devotchka.
"and you already know
yet you already know
how this will end..."

what is in store for this weekend?
someday never comes -- creedence clearwater revival.
"you better learn it fast;
you better learn it young,
'cause someday never comes."

what is my life like at the moment?
lovefool -- the cardigans.
"love me, love me
say that you love me."

what song describes my secrets?
just the lonely talking -- whitney houston.
"lonely nights filled with misery..."

what is my current lover like?
say it ain't so -- weezer.
"oh yea. all right.
feels good. inside."

what song will they play at my funeral?
how to disappear completely -- radiohead.
"strobe lights and blown speakers
fireworks and hurricanes
i'm not there, this isn't happening
i'm not there. i'm not there."

how does the world see me?
la ritournelle -- sebastien tellier.
"love is to share... mine is for you."

will i have a happy life?
little red corvette -- prince.
"believe it or not
i started to worry
i wondered if i had enough class..."

what is my theme song when i walk down the street?
moondance -- van morrison.
"and all the leaves on the trees are falling
to the sound of the breezes that blow
and i'm trying to please the calling
of your heart-strings that play soft and low
and all the nights magic seems to whisper and hush
and all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush."

what song plays while i sleep?
antichrist television blues -- arcade fire.
"little girl, you're old enough to understand
that you'll always be a stranger in a strange, strange land."

what is my amazing dance song?
ghetto musik -- outkast.
"tie me up, don't tie me down
cut me up, don't let me down..."

how do i relax?
inertia creeps -- massive attack.
"moving up slowly
inertia keeps.
moving up slowly
inertia creeps."

what plays when i get ready for a hot date?
hell yes -- beck.
"please enjoy."

2010-03-04T12:22:00.006-05:00

i say that i can't or that it's too cumbersome to study/do homework at the library or the awesome birch... because "i need all my stuff..." but when i'm sitting at home, with all my stuff... i get so distracted and don't get any work done... blog blog blog. (photo via.)

2010-02-25T02:37:00.004-05:00

(photo © patrick doheny, via flikr.)

vancouver > ketchikan > juneau > skagway > icy strait point > hubbard glacier > seward. seven awesome days, summer 2010 (+3 extra in vancouver to see family...) mm, anticipation...

2010-02-06T04:53:00.000-05:00

my favorite profile pictures are the ones where people are CLEARLY NOT OUTSIDE.... but wearing sunglasses anyway. particularly the ones shot on a webcam. wait, so do you always wear sunglasses while you're on the computer or one day you thought, "hrm, i need a new profile picture - HOLD ON, gotta get my sunglasses!" maybe if they were super-cool sunglasses, but usually they're just some random pair of shitty looking... sunglasses. i don't get it.

speaking of sunglasses, this time tomorrow i'll be panic stricken at the airport filled with travel anxiety trying to get to my bitches in costa rica for a few (just a few) necessary days under the hot hot sun. i used to love going to the airport. the human conveyer belts, the neon lights, the AIRPLANES! but the last couple times have stressed me out for various reasons... so now the idea of all the things that could go wrong and all the idiots i have to stand behind in the security line who still don't know you're supposed to take off your shoes... or take your laptop out of your bag... OR EMPTY OUT YOUR GODDAMN POCKETS. and of course... to please keep your boarding pass in your hand.

2010-02-03T17:39:00.001-05:00

lembrança do senhor do bonfim da bahia. the last time i was given one of these, it took over four years to fall off... and i had forgotten my wishes by then. hopefully by the time this one falls off, i'll remember then the things i wished for, today. (photo via.)

23 days... till pitchers + catchers report.

2010-01-22T02:11:00.012-05:00

can't root for indiana, superbowl 41. can't root for minnesota, nfc north rivals. no ties to new orleans but after their damn near flawless season, i'm partial to them taking the nfc championship, then losing in the super bowl... kinda like the pats in SB42, except not as embarrassing. i know, that's the evil in me but it's to further prove my point that it doesn't matter how awesome you are in the regular season. even in the post season. win games so you can show your face in the championship game and win the title. the crème de la crème. "if you ain't first, you're last." no one will argue that a fan would much rather rock a "world champions!!" t-shirt over a "league champions!!" shirt, any day.

since my first loves refuse to give me hope of any kind of championship title what-so-ever... in the past couple years i've been finding some sort of solace in attempting to root for my back-up teams in playoff situations... normally, my backwards logic has caused me to pick teams in the same league as mine because i feel as though if MY team can't win the pennant (or whatever it's called in football) - someone from MY league should represent. however, since both the bears and the giants have long dropped out of the race, my third rule in rooting for a playoff team is (are?) tied between the following:

1. location.
2. a favorite (starting) player.
3. my boyfriend's/regular friend(s)' team(s).
4. if there is money riding them winning. (or the other team losing.)

so that leaves me with the jets. go new york. yay, enthusiasm. woo. whatever, it'll be nice yelling the same obscenities at the TVs with a group of people fighting for the same cause. it's weary times rooting for the away team. unless of course, they win.

GO JETS! i can't wait for baseball...

do what you say.

2010-01-20T02:10:00.004-05:00

manuel antonio, costa rica. eighteen days...

...

2010-01-17T04:57:00.005-05:00

i can stand to complain less.

mr. rude.

2010-01-16T04:10:00.138-05:00

maybe i've been working in the "service industry" for too long, but anyone who does or ever has worked in the wonderful field of customer service, you've come to realize there are four types of people out there: normal people, inconsiderate people, ignorant people and the people who are a combination of inconsiderate AND ignorant.

we're not going to talk about the "normal" people. you know, the people like you and i (you and me? me and you? fuck insipid grammar.) and most people we associate ourselves with, those we consider our friends, or at the very least - acquaintances. birds of a feather...

in my book, being inconsiderate is worse than being ignorant. it's as simple as the age-old phrase, minding your Ps and Qs. (hyperlink for anyone who's still wondering why it's Ps and Qs and not Ps and Ts.) please and thank you go such a long way and people just don't... give... a fuck. it's ridiculous. (i almost said "ridonkulous," because it's just that ridiculous.) i have gotten into the (somewhat)horrible habit of snidely saying, "you're welcome." with an as-genuine-as-can-be smile after doing a favor/task/what-have-you and not receiving a simple, "thank you." par exemple, holding the door open for someone... AND a train of their friends follow, NONE of whom thanked you, someone needs to teach them. might as well be me.

ignorance is a little different because that entails the notion that they are simply unaware. tipping is an easy and perfect example. anyone who has waited tables or stirred up cocktails behind a bar knows that "foreigners don't tip." well news flash, neither do a shit-ton of other people, for god knows what reasons. young people ('88, not '89!) sure as hell don't tip. the ones who bust out a subway map at your table along with a frommer's guide to travel, probably won't be tipping. and as for the rest of this group, at the risk of taking it too far, let's just say... that stereotypes continue to exist for a reason. but mayhaps, they genuinely don't realize, that that tips are our sole income.

one of my regulars says to me today, "it's because you're not allowed to hit your kids anymore." and for the first time, i actually kinda agreed with that statement. i'm not talking about beating your kids, but what's wrong with a spanking? if your words aren't cutting it, give 'em a little smack on the behind. i can't stand watching a parent grabbing, yelling curse words and dragging their wailing kid around the store by their tiny little arm, because if that shit's going on in public god only knows what's going on at home. i also don't know what it's like to be a parent. but i seriously look at parents who sit there at a restaurant, silent - or worse, carrying on with their own shit - while their miscreant little spawns are running around, throwing condiments over mezzanines, smashing and throwing goldfish crackers all over the goddamn place - and i think to myself, "if that were me, my parents woulda..."

my parents actually never laid a hand on me, or my brother. but my grandmama was a different story, i remember many a days running around our oval glass-top dining room table with my grandma close behind flailing a wooden spoon in the air. but nothing traumatic. nothing that left permanent scars inside or out, other than a lessons learned... and an interesting list fears all having to do with wooden spoons.

the point is, you don't have to lay a hand on your kids to teach them simple basic manners. even if you don't learn that shit at home, don't they teach you at school?! when you request something you say, "please." when you receive something... you say, "thank you." and fucking tip your servers and bartenders!

98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.

2010-01-13T00:50:00.005-05:00

i love winter. i appreciate winter. but i am done with winter. done. i want it to be over 50 degrees and have longer days. i want to see colors and feel motivated instead of dreading the outdoors and constantly reminding myself to bundle the fuck up. spring will come but summer will soon follow which then i will return to complain about how hot and gross it is outside. don't even get me started on sweating, ugh.

it's funny, what my coffee maker considers to be "4 cups" actually fills my mug one and a half times. it's actually not as "funny" as it is a clear sign that i drink way too much coffee. i can't stop listening to hot chip's and i was a boy from school on repeat. it almost makes me want to rejoin the gym... and then not go. so what if it came out in 2006, it's new to me and music is music. i also won best hair for HB's christmas party secret ballot. i looked at it as my chance to relive my sorry high school years. suck on that, glenbrook south high school class of 2000! speaking of high school, i had to request a transcript from said high school when i enrolled in classes a couple months ago (yay for just making the 27 and under bracket!) and well holy shit, how i graduated with that sad-ass gpa is beyond me. all i have to say is thank you dean torsiello.

the holidays came and went and just like every changing-of-the-year, after all the hype - the only difference has been how many checks i've had to rewrite because i've fucked up the date. i'm picking up my first passport since i was 6 months old, tomorrow. my excitement is almost at the same level as it was when i got my driver's license for the first time. "sweet! something other than my library card and a sad five-dollar bill to put in my wallet! yesssss..." only now, it's just another document to be responsible for. another viable proof of existence. and one less excuse as to why i haven't checked off a thing on my "places to go" list.

2010-01-03T14:22:00.000-05:00

(via nytimes.com.)

left to right: slip 2, south ferry. noguchi's red cube, financial district. lady liberty, via staten island ferry. manhole cover, midtown.

third thursday.

2009-11-26T02:18:00.001-05:00

twenty-four hours to remember all the things we take for granted every other 8,736. eat, drink, be thankful. i am blessed.

2009-09-25T00:54:00.001-05:00

less than a week 'til moving day and i have one box of dvds and half of my winter clothes packed. one box. and a bag of clothes. i continue to tell myself that i work best under pressure... and late at night. i am going to stick by this.

everyone would agree that apartment hunting, for the most part, is bullshit. it's ridiculous what people consider to be "spacious" or "reasonable rent"... and the desperation of young realtors trying to rent (or sell, for that matter) apartments in the city is pretty depressing. if i was apartment hunting by myself, i'd probably end up signing a 2-year lease on a shithole simply because i felt bad for the poor guy who looks like he hasn't eaten a meal in months because it turns out he sucks at real estate more than he sucked at waiting tables. but that's just it, he doesn't suck. his apartments suck. brooklyn's where it's at, yo. same rent, MUCH larger space -- equally great location, if not greater.

i shit you not, my current apartment, i live an only-miserable-in-the-blistery-winter 12 blocks from the graham stop off the L and was still a 20 minute door-to-door commute to my job on the west side of union square. i am now moving one stop closer to manhattan and a single block from the train. if we want to get technical, i think we're actually half a block across the street, but whatever. if we're talking cabs, south 5th exit off the williamsburg bridge, please and hi, i'm home. here's your ten bucks (15, with tip) have a great night!

as much as i hate moving, i'm super excited about starting this new chapter and i'm almost certain the next 12 months are going to be awesome. oh, and everyone should watch jerry bruckheimer's new ABC series the forgotten because our friend anthony carrigan is in it as the sexy mysterious art boy. if you're into CSI and things of that nature, this is right up your alley. it premiered this past tuesday so get on that, you can find it on hulu (who's tagline should be "the best website on earth," btdubs.)

and while i'm here dishing out shameless plugs, look for the premiere of celebrity ghost stories on the biography channel next thursday (october 1) where my dear friend taryn devito plays david carradine's wife, who tragically dies two months after they film this episode. if you're into ghost stories and famous people, this is for you. ALSO, nurse jackie fans, look for my dear (soon-to-be former *sad face*) roommate arjun gupta - who, if you've been paying attention, has already made an appearance in season 1... but will be a recurring character in season 2 *gasp*, which i don't think airs til next summer but - still. pencil it in.

lastly, if i've used "who" in places where i should've used "whom"... it's because i don't know the difference nor do i care. thank you, and have a great night!

battered wife syndrome.

2009-08-27T11:42:00.008-05:00

"'all i'm saying is i pray the game is nine innings, so i can go out there the least amount of time possible and go home,' bradley said.

so does he regret signing with the cubs, who are his seventh major league team?

'i don't regret anything,' he said. 'i regret that there are idiots in the world, that's what i regret.'"

all excuses aside, the ultimate demise of this franchise will lie in the loss of faith from everyone who's ever invested anything into this team. i don't think there's anyone who's associated with this team - from the owners to the fans - who doesn't want to see this team not only win the pennant (which we all know we're capable of, speaking of years past) - but take home the world series. the fact that the air within the walls of the friendly confines is thick with hostility and resentment towards EACH OTHER, all signs point to my beloved cubbies going down in the history books as the biggest disappointment in major league baseball, maybe even in the entire world of professional sports.

let this be said, at the end of the day, although my faith may be in vain,
my hopes and loyalty remain steadfast.

sadder legs.

2009-08-26T00:59:00.004-05:00

new york city's this big black hole that sucks you in and eats you alive. if you're lucky, it'll spit you back out and give you a proper second chance... if you're not-so-lucky, you'll go a-runnin' back from where you came with your sad tail wagging between your even sadder legs.

the past couple of years i've contemplated (quite a few times) of making that move back to chi-town, but at the end of every "last" year, i somehow manage to find a reason/excuse to stay.

but this time, this time it has to be different. if i run into one more person from my past and they ask that dreadful question, "so, what's new?!" i'd better have something more valuable to say than, "oh, well, you know, same ol' shit, different day." i thought it was clever when i first heard it, but then six years go by and it just doesn't have that same, hip, carefree attitude. getting older sucks, and if i ever hear another kid say, "i just wanna grow-up!" i'm going to smack them right in the mouth and lecture them on the perks of being a child, demanding that they enjoy every second of it.

the power of wireless...

2007-11-26T18:35:00.002-05:00

... and a good friend. (:

"God gave us memory so that we might have roses in december..."
-- j.m. barrie.

thanksgiving has passed and it’s officially starting to feel like winter. scarves, hats and gloves have become a necessity, the length/amount of cigarette breaks have significantly decreased, the streets become ashy and desolate and everyone seems to lack interest in leaving the comfort of their bargain anti-allergenic pseudo-down duvets and would much rather hide out in the warmth of their ridiculously priced new york apartments spending quality time in front of their television sets blaring their favorite blockbuster.

every retail mogul busts out their christmas best and work at coercing you into buying the most lavish gift ( at the most reasonable price! – of course - ) for your nothing-but-the-best deserving significant other… and it seems to me that despite all the commercial hubbub behind the once-sacred sanctity of christmas, the joy almost everyone feels around this time of year always goes unmatched.

i need a muse.

2007-07-05T15:41:00.001-05:00

i do...

photoblogger 001.

2007-05-23T00:56:00.000-05:00

obligatory cab shots.

CHI @ NYM. game 4.

we hate baseball.

evidently these poor guys at shea fall out of their nests a lot.

lovebirds.

the best burgers in town.

best fish 'n chips in town.

what cheese isn't yours?
NACHO cheese!

way better than popcorn.

CONEY ISLAND, BK.

i'm just glad we're still alive.

hug a tree.

CI photo shoot.

what's coney island w/o nathans?

stress has been lifted.

2007-05-16T02:55:00.004-05:00

apartment/housing situation for the rest of the summer has been figured out, restaurant's been pretty busy lately (kinda), dropping bad friends like yesterday's newspaper...

i also keep getting introduced to new/old music - ya know, the kinds that everyone loved "back in the day" but somehow i manage to JUST NOW discover them and am about a decade late for... but enjoying it just the same - like... third eye blind's self-titled album. (hear: tracks 11 & 12 - although, all the tracks are pretty freaking good.)

my brother gets in on thursday morning. morning, afternoon, middle of the night - who cares, a visit from brother is always a plus.

and how can i forget the 10-1 romp over the beloved ny mets? this almost makes up for last night, but i still can't stand the fact that somehow, i always manage to pick the wrong damn game(s) to go to - the worst being game 3 of cubs vs. bosox which i FLEW BACK HOME for in '05 after not being there for the 2 wins before. here's to hoping they win on thursday. well, here's to hoping they win tomorrow, too.

"...and there's a bone in my hand that connects to a drink,
in a crowded room where the glasses clink,
and I'll buy you a beer and we'll drink it deep,
because that keeps me from falling asleep..."

alidapalooza.

2007-05-07T16:29:00.000-05:00

alidapalooza would be my friend's 30th birthday bash happening this coming saturday. not only is it her 30th birthday party but it is a reunion of a group of [some] people who have mixed feelings towards one another. anyone else's story i could care less about, it's mine that i intend to fix before literally walking into a room of stale awkward air.

luckily, holding grudges isn't my thing - but, ignoring a situation until i'm FORCED to confront them, is more my game. i've taken the liberty of attempting to mend some fences before the big event - and i've realized that importance lies farther than the desire of avoiding a hostile environment for a birthday party, it's making amends with old friends you never should have lost touch with in the first place.

thank you dear alidapalooza.
here's to fisting pink tacos.

RIP kurt vonnegut.

2007-04-11T00:48:00.000-05:00

:: i tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around,
and don't let anybody tell you different. ::

itunes on shuffle, 2007.

2007-04-01T15:48:00.001-05:00

how am i feeling today?
falling for you -- jem.
"i can feel it, baby - i feel like i'm falling for you..."

will i get far in life?
my hero -- foo fighters.
"don't the best of 'em bleed it out..."

how do my friends see me?
i like the way you move -- outkast
"ready for action nip it in the butt
never relaxin', [jennie] is everlastin'..."

when will i get married?
let's get it on -- tenacious d (marvin gaye cover)
"and if you feel like i feel, sugar... come on, come on..."

what's my theme song?
you're beautiful -- james blunt.
"my life is brilliant... my love is pure..."

what is the story of my life?
slow country -- gorillaz.
"city life, calling me all the time
me and my soul, geared to attack..."

what am i like in bed?
the way you look tonight -- frank sinatra.
"yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
and your cheeks so soft,
there is nothing for me but to love you,
and the way you look... tonight."

how can i get ahead in life?
beautiful disaster -- kelly clarkson.
"and if i could hold on
thru the tears and the laughter,
would it be beautiful?
or just a beautiful disaster?"

what is my best feature?
when i'm gone -- 3 doors down.
"there's another world inside of me
that you may never see."

how is today going to be?
hair -- atmosphere.
"i sold my damaged soul for the magic of speech...
you're probably right, a few more beers a couple more laughs
undressing my past with the questions she asks..."

what is in store for this weekend?
here with me -- dido.
"i don't want to call my friends
for they might wake me from this dream
and i can't leave this bed
risk forgetting all that's been..."

what is my life like at the moment?
absolutely zero -- jason mraz.
"see who am i to say this situation isn't great?
when it's my job to make the most of it..."

what song describes my secrets?
breakin' me -- johnny lang.
"i know you lost your faith in me but i still believe.
can i make you understand, can i make you see?"

what is my current lover like?
look what you've done -- jet.
"take my photo off the wall
if it just won't sing for you
'cause all that's left has gone away
and there's nothing there for you to prove...."

what song will they play at my funeral?
all is full of love -- death cab for cutie.
"you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it..."

how does the world see me?
come a little closer -- brandy.
"so if you must go
know that i'll be missing you, wishing you closer...
so let's make the most of these moments together."

will i have a happy life?
life goes on -- tupac.
"bury me smilin' with G's in my pocket
have a party at my funeral let every rapper rock it
let the hoes that i useta know, from way before
kiss me from my head to my toe..."

what do my friends really think of me?
what you wish for -- guster.
"swept all the pieces under the bed
close all the curtains and cover my head
and what you wish for won't come true
you aren't surprised love, are you?"

do people secretly lust after me?
high -- the cure.
"and when i see you
take the same sweet steps
you used to take
i say i'll keep holding you
my arms so tight
i'll never let you slip away..."

what is my theme song while i walk down the street?
one more change -- notorious BIG.
the lyrics are just too ridiculous to put up here... haha.

what song plays while i sleep?
glorious #1 -- remy zero.
"we don't have to be lovers
we don't have to be friends for no one..."

what songs plays when a cute boy/girl sees me?
wonderful tonight -- eric clapton.
"it's time to go home now and i've got an aching head,
so i give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.
and then i tell her, as i turn out the light,
i say, 'my darling, you were wonderful tonight...'"

what is my amazing dance song?
one headlight -- the wallflowers.
"this place is always such a mess
sometimes i think i'd like to watch it burn
i'm so alone, and i feel just like somebody else
man, i ain't changed, but i know i ain't the same
but somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
i think her death it must be killing me..."

how do i relax?
say goodnight -- beth nielsen chapman.
"don't you fear when you dream
waking up is never what it seems
like a jewel buried deep
like a promise meant to keep..."

what plays when i get ready to go out on a hot date?
cold cold heart -- norah jones.
"another love before my time made your heart sad and blue
and so my heart is paying now for things i didn't do
in anger unkind words are said that make the teardrops start
why can't i free your doubtful mind, and melt your cold cold heart?"

great expectations.

2006-10-06T20:01:00.002-05:00

the days have gotten colder and the nights even more so. summer is officially gone and that became evident the other night sitting on the rickity steps of the empty absinthe trailer down at the north lot of pier 17. once the locale of the great travelling spiegeltent & beer garden, all that remained was scattered trash & priceless knickknacks left behind. this last month changed my life in a way some will attempt to empathize with, but most will never understand.

somewhere along the thin line of finding a new confidant and avoidance of falling into the bear trap, i lost my balance and plummeted into the world of least desire -- none of which i realized until the days following your departure. life works out in funny ways. you continue to apologize and thank me for things you took away from it, never giving me the chance to explain its significance to me.

but i've found that explanations are nothing more than thorns in our sides and unhealthy fuel for the already wickedly spreading fire. what i think you think of me, or vice versa matters not -- to each his own and gracefully walk down our separate paths as originally intended and pretty soon, lives should resume as normal. or so we continue to hope.

you've made it more clear to me now, than ever -- that life isn't and can never be black and white. that every pang of desire is followed by a consequence, a circumstance, a best interest. in retrospect, i think i could've gone my entire life never knowing you, but cowardice was never my forte.

"things have been, different for me. for a long time, i kept..."
"what?"

"i think about you a lot lately."
"i'm glad."
"can you ever forgive me?"
"don't you know me at all?"

in over my head.

2006-09-06T05:29:00.002-05:00

i spent my entire tuesday in bed, recovering from a semi-brutal partying weekend. i celebrated my 24th with a group of some close personal friends... and a few not-so-close friends, but just as personal. feeling under the weather has its definite downfalls but what i've come to notice is that it also has its perks... like... you can spend your hours wasting away thinking about things you're normally too busy to sort out.

par example, how it's not as easy to walk away from something undeniable. it wasn't until recently (read: a few years ago)... that i convinced myself that we're perfectly capable of controlling our own destinies. for example, you don't have to like someone if you don't want to -- but you have to catch it early on. it's a slight form of denial, but it works.

somewhat.

at least until you wake up one morning and realize that all this supressed interest starts to leak out through the seams and all you're left with is a massive puddle of confusion... and you're wide awake at 5:30 in the morning wondering if anything of worth should be held back.

i recently met someone who i know i won't see or probably ever speak to again after the next three weeks. and instead of soaking in all that i can get, i'm simply ignoring it and letting things ride out; treating each encounter as if it were our last (and if it's not, at least i'm plesantly surprised the next time we're together) -- because i figure, the closer you get to someone, it just makes it that much harder to say goodbye. and i was never a fan of saying goodbye.

"... and i suddenly became a part of your past
i'm becoming the part that doesn't last
i'm losing you and it's effortless
without a sound we lose sight of the ground
in the throw around
never thought that you wanted to bring it down
i won't let it go till we torch it ourselves..."
-- thefray.

hey kid, your time as come to change...

2006-07-15T05:41:00.001-05:00

i've spent a great deal of time trying to figure out at what point exactly i stopped loving you and it turned out that i was never really in love with the actual you to begin with. i was in love with the person i thought you could be. the idea that i could change you - so to speak. but not in the sense that i could transform you by having you follow a set of rules or guidelines, more so that i'd be enough for you to change on your own. because at one point, you were the one i wanted to be with. but everything is different now.

i know now that there is someone out there who would hold my hand while walking down the street without shame. someone who'd let me pick a show to watch once in a while - even if it's grey's anatomy or friends. a guy who wouldn't deny me as his girl to his friends and family. someone who doesn't mind that once in a while i cry for no good reason or won't tell me that quitting smoking is easy. a man who'd throw any "fear of commitment" out the window because the idea of being without me simply isn't worth such a senseless fear. someone who'd love me in all of my imperfect glory and allow me to love him just the same...

and i can't wait to meet him. :)

"something inside me is breaking
something inside me says there's
somewhere better than this...

sunset sailing on april skies
bloodshot fire clouds in her eyes
i can't say what i might believe
but if God made you, He's in love with me."

-- fiveforfighting.

simple pleasures.

2006-07-05T15:43:00.000-05:00

from the incredibly adorable deux02 (& pulsarbabe):

instructions: name 10 of life's simple pleasures that you like the most, then pick 10 people to do the same. try to be original and creative; try not to use things that someone else has already used.

i like (in no particular order):

01. when one of your friends says, "you HAVE to hear this song, you'd love it" and makes you listen... and sure enough - it becomes the one track that gets put on repeat for the rest of the week.
02. the feeling of typing right after you cut your nails. not just on a computer but a calculator, posi-touch, etc. etc.
03. the first coffee of the day.
04. inside jokes.
05. when they update the movies ondemand with old movies of the prequels to new movies coming out. like right now they have the supermans... and they have all the batmans on - too... including the last one. ok, i just realized how much of a LOSER i am. what can i say? my life is mad dull.
06. when you have a vacation to look forward to.
07. when you realize how much of a jerkoff someone you trusted is. i know this sounds like a bad thing, but i feel like the sooner you come to terms with such a thing -- the sooner you can get over it, and never trust them again. it's always a plus to be "in the know".
08. when you eat/drink/[smoke] something that just -- "hits the spot"... like a shot of whiskey, good beer, greasy pizza or hrm... steak. warm-red centers always hit the spot. what is it with me and STEAK?
09. great conversation. the kind that goes on for hours without you even knowing it. when you go to a bar for "a drink" and the next thing you know, you're looking at your watch thinking, "FUCK i have to be at work in two hours."
10. the realization of wanting something. and then the pursuit of getting it. and that even if it doesn't happen the way you had hoped... that at the end of the day, you're still going to be ok. that you're still you.

i'm not picking people. if you wanna do it, do it.

kinesics.

2006-06-23T04:06:00.001-05:00

this subject matter has come up quite a few times recently w/ different people, and of course now i'm going to blab about it.. i had to remind chris* that smiling and nice conversations constitute as "flirting" for about the first 30 minutes of making eye contact with one another (not so much in those words, but in retrospect - this is what i should have said). that should be a decent amount of time for you to determine whether or not you care to pursue building on this foundation (it makes me laugh everytime i use that word now, and only one other person would get why -- and they don't read my stuff)... i think.

so you're marking things off your check-list...

... physically attractive (check.)
... mentally attractive (check.)
... curiosity grows, you're interested (check.)

[friends episode moment: "passport, check! camera, check! traveller's checks, check!"]

you want to inform the other person how you feel w/o giving up too much, but still making it known. see, this is where just "smiling and saying funny things" stops working. what next? body language. an example i used for chris (which only works from guys to girls), when you're going thru doors - of course, open it for her (a gentleman always holds open a door for a lady, date or non-date)... as she passes, gently guide her w/ your hand at the small of her back. don't push her (altho that'd be funny to see) or even put any pressure - just kinda, rest it there. it's cute - at least for me. i actually started to compile a list of "appropriate first few dates body language" - but then i came off sounding like relationship expert - [delete!] - i am sooo the opposite of such.

but i digress.

body language is MAJOR when you want to tell somebody something... w/o actually having to tell them (i like sneaky tactics, but i hate games). one of my biggest pet peeves are when people can't tell when you're trying to say, "i'm sorry, i'm not interested"... for example, when i'm walking away profusely rolling my eyes while scoffing and flipping you the bird... that usually means, "please, go away." but what do i know? i'm no expert.

...body language (check.) :)

* i've mentioned chris in here enough times that he can simply go by his name w/o any background information. you are now officially a character in my blog world. =)

rules on dating.

2006-06-20T04:11:00.000-05:00

in the past couple years that i've been single - i've compiled a list [in my head] of people you cannot bring into your dating circle. i've left out the obvious ones like 'a family member' or 'your friend's mom' b/c if you need to be reminded that those people are off limits - then you have an entirely different set of issues i can't help you with, but my list goes as follows:

-- someone [anyone] else's significant other.
-- your friends' exes.
-- your ex's friends.
-- your roommate.
-- your ex's roommate.
(if they're still living together, thanks emma!)
-- your ex's immediate/close family member.
-- your boss.

you can also throw in 'people you work with' under the "don't shit where you eat" clause, but - that's not as important as the aforementioned categories - and should be determined on a case by case basis. now, like most rules - there are exceptions.

unfortunately, there are no exceptions to getting together with someone else's significant other. that's just asking for trouble and even if they end up leaving their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife for you, who's to say that they won't turn around and do the same with you down the road? that's a heavy burden to be carrying around - and no one needs that kind of stress... as if relationships aren't hard enough.

but with everything else... there are two (and only two) instances in which the rules can be broken.

1. if you see potential in the relationship. not necessarily the potential for marriage and babies... but the potential of love. if you're just fucking around, there are plenty of fish in the sea that you can do that with - but within that sea of fish, there are only a few special ones that can tug at your heart strings - and when you find someone like that - no relationship rule should stand in the way.
there are actually some sub-bullet points for this one, like - you can't just go behind your friend's back and date her ex-boyfriend that she still has feelings for, etc. etc... but i'm too tired to get into all of that.
and 2. if they're hot.

ok, i was just kidding about that last one. if only...

"bitch, you fucked my boyfriend."
"yea, but he's HOT."

[ disclaimer: ] sex and dating/relationships aren't the same thing.
take it as you wish, i just had to throw that in there.

"i don't care what you might think about me
you'll get by without me if you want
well, i could be the one to take you home
baby we could rock the night alone...

i could be the one to turn you out
we could be the talk across the town

you might regret what you let slip away..."

-- jasonmraz.

"maybe he just doesn't want to ruin the friendship."

2006-03-20T14:50:00.000-05:00

the following is the introduction to he's just not that into you, the no-excuses truth to understanding guys. written by a writer and consultant of sex and the city.

in other words, the book that every [straight] woman should read, not to fill our heads with useless psycho-babble bullshit... but really, to provide some sort of clarity as to why we always feel the need to make excuses for them. that if in fact, he's just not that into us... there's still someone out there, who is. hopefully. :)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"it started out just like any other day. we were all working in the writers' room of sex and the city, talking, pitching ideas, our personal love lives weaving in an out of the fictional lives we were creating in the room. and just like any other day, one of the women on staff asked for feedback on the behavior of a man whom she liked. we were happy to pitch in and pick apart all the signs and signals of his actions.

and just like on any other day, after much analysis and debate, we concluded that she was fabulous, he must be scared, he's never met a woman as great as her, he is intimidated, and she should just give him time. but on this day, we had a male consultant in the room -- someone who comes in a couple of times a week to give feedback on story lines and gives a great straight-male perspective: greg behrendt. on this day, greg listened intently to the story and our reactions, and then said to the woman in question, "listen, it sounds like he's just not that into you."

we were shocked, appalled, amused, horrified, and above all, intrigued. we sensed immediately that this man might be speaking the truth. a truth that we, in our combined hundred years of dating experience, had never considered, and definitely never considered saying out loud. "okay, he might have a point," we reluctantly agreed. "but greg couldn't possibly understand my very busy and complicated possible future husband."

soon we went around the room, greg, the all-knowing buddha, listening to story after mixed-message story. we had excuses for all these men, from broken dialing fingers to difficult childhoods. in the end, one by one, they were shot down by greg's powerful silver bullet. greg made us see, after an enormous amount of effort, that if a (sane) guy really likes you, there ain't nothing that's going to get in his way. and if he's not sane, why would you want him? he could back it up too: he had years of playing the field, being the bad boy, being the good boy, and then finally falling in love and marrying a really fantastic woman.

a collective ephiphany burst forth in the room, and for me in particular. all these years i've been complaining about men and their mixed messages; now i saw they weren't mixed messages at all. i was the one that was mixed up. because the fact was, these men had simply not been that into me.

now, at first glance it seems that this should have been demoralizing to us, it should have sent us all into a tailspin. yet the opposite was true. knowledge is power, and more importantly, knowledge saves us time. i realized that from that day forward i would be spared hours and hours of waiting by the phone, hours and hours of obsessing with my girlfriends, hours and hours of just hoping his mixed messages really meant "i'm in love with you and want to be with you." greg reminded us that we were all beautiful, smart, funny women, and we shouldn't be wasting our time figuring out why a guy isn't calling us. as greg put it, we shouldn't waste the pretty.

it's hard. we're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic. not in this case. in this case, look on the dark side. assume rejection first. assume you're the rule, not the exception. it's intoxicatingly liberating. but we also know it's not an easy concept. because this is what we do: we go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. then we go into hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. we try to come up with some sort of explanation for why they're behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation that's the truth: he's just not that into me.

so if the guy you're dating doesn't seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start "figuring him out," please consider the glorious thought that he just might not be... and then free yourself to go find the one that is."

-- liztuccillo.

no, i'm korean.

2006-02-28T20:23:00.000-05:00

recently i've noticed that there's a lot more misconceptions about asians than i thought. and by recently... i mean within the last couple of years, particularly since living in new york. now, you'd think that in a city with so much diversity, this wouldn't be the case - however, it is.

for starters, i don't speak "asian". in fact, contrary to popular belief... there is no universal "asian" language in which all of us slanted-eyed, yellow-skinned, spikey-haired asians can communicate. (i realized i just pissed off 97% of my readers with the previous sentence.) get over it, i'm just trying to prove a point.

this also leads to how we also don't understand every asian language. yes, i know we're extremely intelligent and fascinating creatures by nature, but it's true. in fact, it's even hard for me to understand various korean dialects... let alone... oh, i dunno - tagalog. but, that's a bad example because we all know filipinos aren't really asian. don't get your panties in a wad randall, i'm just kidding.

and while we're on the whole language thing - one more bit of advice... if you meet me... after the whole "native/ethnic" argument takes place... and find out my background is korean, please don't pick up your phone and scroll down to "dan kim" and try to get him to teach you something impressive in my parents' language. you should've figured out soon after, "hi, my name is jennie - nice to meet you..." that my american accent is flawless (with a slight midwestern twang)... so you saying, "kim chi jji ggae mah shi suh"... is not only unimpressive, but a huge turn-off and you are no longer cool enough to be my friend so i'll simply shake my head and walk away.

and since this has gotten longer than i anticipated, i'll just throw in a few more and end this bitch-fest. no, i don't wear a kimono as a bathrobe. no, i don't own a rice rocket. no, i don't bind my feet at night before i go to sleep. and NO, i don't know kung fu, judo, tae kwon do or any kind of martial art.

however, i do carry around a set of chinese shooting stars in my back pocket made of chopstick wrapping paper - because i'm just that badass at origami.

despite the fact.

2006-01-26T16:14:00.000-05:00

i'm allergic to dog saliva, but i let them lick me anyway - because i love dogs. i'm also allergic to bananas, but i eat them anyway - because they taste damn good. i hate tabloids and refuse to read them (in fact, am embarassed to be seen with them), but i buy STAR magazine - because their crosswords are huge and somewhat easy. reading a horrible book is like pulling teeth, but i'll chug through anyway - because i hate to start something and not finish. i hate my job and one of my managers actually skeeves me out a lot of the time, but i play nice anyway - because being mean doesn't pay my bills. i don't like the smell of smoke, the taste of smoke or the feeling of smoke in my lungs, but i smoke anyway - because it's an addiction.

just the same, i don't like to have my heart trampled on and broken to pieces, but i'll love you anyway - because for some crazy reason, i feel as though you're worth it.

"unrequited love's a bore, yeah
and i've got it pretty bad
but for someone you adore
it's a pleasure to be sad."

10 traits...

2005-12-28T16:12:00.000-05:00

...that make you a great girlfriend.
originally posted on craigslist BEST OF.

er, note to all women.

10. she's independent.

no one wants a girlfriend they have to baby-sit. once in a while, like if she had a rough day at work, it's great to be her shoulder to cry on, but if she can't seem to function without you and is constantly after you, she will eventually make you feel like you're suffocating, which is a surefire way to get you running out the nearest exit. on the other hand, if she has her very own personality and opinions, can stand on her own two feet, both financially and emotionally, and is able to enjoy time away from you - while still missing you, of course - then she must be a great girlfriend.

09. she's intelligent.

i hate to be the one to tell you this, but the bimbo routine gets real old, real fast. instead of being the one in total control, you'll find yourself tryinig to figure out what she's really thinking behind those glazed eyes of hers - or if she's actually thinking at all. an intelligent woman will constantly surprise you and keep you on your toes. she won't let you get bored of her. besides, it's nice to have something to talk about between all the chandelier-hanging sex.

08. she's sexual.

while we're on the topic, a great girlfriend has to be sexually compatible with you. for instance, if you're into S&M and she's more the "fluffy lingerie" type, that's a problem. the two of you have to be on the same page - or, at least, she has to be willing to wear leather and use a whip from time to time. of course, this doesn't imply that she has to know all the right moves right away; it simply means that you and she have an undeniable attraction towards each other, and are able to communicate your desires verbally (or with physical cues). it is important that you please each other in the bedroom, or on top of the dryer - whatever the case may be.

07. she's beautiful.

i know, this one is kind of obvious, but important nonetheless. a great girlfriend will not only want to look good for you, but also for herself. she should always look her best and be well put together - matching lingerie is a definite plus. you have to be proud to have her on your arm and enjoy the sight of her in any light. and this doesn't mean that she has to be a heidi klum clone. remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so if you think her full bottom or uncontrollable curls are beautiful, you're allowed.

06. she respects you.

this is a biggie. your woman must respect you. this means that she listens to you, even if she doesn't necessarily agree with what you're saying. and, of course, she never tries to demean or belittle you in any way, shape or form. a great girlfriend won't ever cause scenes in public or in front of your friends and family, and will always wait to discuss matters with you in private. if she respects you, chances are that she will behave in a tactful and diplomatic manner in most situations, which is definitely a good thing.

05. she lets you be a man.

do not - i repeat - do not get involved with a woman who tries to get you to eat cottage chceese and fruit for breakfast and insists that you give up poker night with the guys. you will end up resenting her more than you can imagine. a good girlfriend lets you be a guy in all your glory, poker night and all. if she's a great girlfriend, she'll even bring you and your buddies a couple of beers and make you some of her famous sandwiches. she has to understand that men and women are different and should allow you to be yourself. just like you wouldn't deprive her of going shopping with her best girlfriend, she shouldn't expect you to give up the guys for her.

04. she's nagless.

there's nothing worse than a nag! a great girlfriend knows this and chooses her battles wisely. she knows when to speak up and when to let it slide. you don't want a girlfriend who will give you hell for leaving a couple of dishes in the sink occasionally. however, if you live together and you stay out all night without calling her, and she lets you have it, then you're setting yourself up for disaster. this is a situation that nobody would let slide - not even a great girlfriend.

03. she gets along with friends and family.

a great girlfriend will not only help your mom out in the kitchen, listen to your dad's stories and hang out with your friends, but she will enjoy it. she'll make a real effort to get to know and love the most important people in your life. and she won't try to get you to ditch your best buds. she'll actually empathize with your brother's getting dumped and suggest that you guys take him out to cheer him up. not only that, but your friends won't roll their eyes and moan when you mention that she'll be joining you guys when she gets off work (yes, women like this do exist).

02. she loves you.

if you have found a woman who loves you for who you really are and not who you pretend or try to be sometimes, you should definitely hang on to her. a woman who doesn't try to change you is hard to find. of course, all women have their slightly annoying habits that their mate has to contend with, but if she really loves you, she will be able to cope with these. another way to know if she really loves you is by observing the way she looks at you and treats you on an everyday basis. if the sight of you doesn't seem to faze her either way, and she doesn't really seem to care about what you have to say, she's either playing very hard to get, or sees you as just some guy. but if a surprise visit or phone call from you makes her light up, there's no denying that she loves you.

01. she makes you want to be a better man.

stop making that face... any man who has a great girlfriend or wife will tell you that she makes him want to be a better man. she doesn't have to say or do anything; it just is that way. if you suddenly feel bad about how you treated your sister or find yourself trying to get your finances in order, you might want to think about your motivation for doing so. it could be love.

taste of regret.

2005-12-14T03:11:00.000-05:00

i've been so preoccupied with wallowing in my man-made lake of self-pity. wondering how things would be if this hadn't happened... or if that had been done differently. i hate that for days now, i've had the same conversation with myself, over and over. it always comes back to me reminding myself that no matter how much i worry, at the end of the day - the results are going to be the same. d. recently recited one of my favorites, "worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair. it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere." as true as that is, i think this is one of those situations where worrying isn't an choice, it's a necessity.

if i've done something wrong and i comprehend the magnitude of my carelessness... and knowing i'm going to be punished for it, i will step up and suffer the consequences of my actions with no complaints. however, i feel like despite how far out of my control this is... that you have to keep pitching in, even if it means finding help elsewhere. maybe in God, or maybe in unused wishes. perhaps "superstitious" was the right word. there are parts of me that thinks maybe if i worry enough... or feel genuinely remorseful enough... that we will get the answers we're hoping for.

i know it sounds childish, and i know that at the end of the day, it's what's in my blood that makes a difference... but when everything else is gone, what else is left to do but hope...?

"i have learned two lessons in my life: first,
there are no sufficient literary, psychological,
or historical answers to human tragedy, only
moral ones. second, just as despair can come
to one another only from other human beings,
hope, too, can be given to one only by other
human beings." -- elie wiesel.

2005-12-13T19:12:00.000-05:00

"i can see where this is going
tears will fall and hearts will break
love's a game we almost played
so dry your eyes and be on your way
as for me, i'll be okay..."

i love new journals. it's like you're starting fresh. the first page is always saved for a quote... and the one i used this time around is walter anderson's "our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." i decided to drift away from the moleskines for this chapter (mainly because the b&n i went to didn't carry them... ugh) and instead got a leatherbound about the size of a bible with italian script all over it. what it says is beyond me. but it's cool.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

so the first five pages are probably the most depressing words i've ever scribbled across paper. which scares me a little bit but i have about a few hundred pages to get over myself and find something that i'm going to actually want to read back on later.

in the first step of getting myself out of this rut, i decided to look through some pictures from this past year. with the exception of random blurs taken at parties and nights of tapping seasonal kegs at work, not to mention the public displays of drunken debauchery... for every non-candid one that's taken... everyone's smiling. everyone's hearts seem warm... wasn't that something sid said in one hour photo? something about no one taking pictures of the bad memories...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

whenever i'm in a shitty mood i feel like the entire city's drab. of course, it depends on just how wretched the situation is... but that's how i feel. like, if i wake up feeling sick, and it's sunny outside - something just doesn't feel right. even daily chores and obligations become unbearable and i walk around the city with one of arthur nersesian's lines from the fuck-up running thru my head... "you know you've been in a place too long when every other locale serves as a reminder of some sad recollection."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

i mean, that's how i felt when i first left chicago. however, i've come to realize that within the bad - therein lies the good. and then you start to forget why you left in the first place and miss everything you walked away from. and so you have to ask yourself - what's more important: escaping the bad, or embracing the good?

isn't that what life's about afterall?

the journey through the good and bad, emotional rollercoasters, mistakes made - lessons learned... and photographs of every moment in between.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"THE" ex.

2005-12-07T17:34:00.000-05:00

so, the subject of such a person came up in yet another relationship conversation with chris. is there really one that tops all the rest... or are there multiple people who used to mean different things to you at different places in your life? i like the idea of having one person who will always make you feel a certain way every time you see them... but i think that if i were to run into anyone i seriously dated... i'd feel a little funny inside. because at some point in my life, i felt for them in a way i didn't feel for anyone else.

i was working in the front sections of the restaurant with one of my favorite buddies... and we were standing in front of the computer looking out the window... and alluva sudden he got this funny look on his face and his eyes were following a girl walking past our restaurant. if you could watch someone's heart shatter and fall to the floor... i did just that the other night. we started talking later about what was going on - and turns out this was the girl... the one he lived with and dated for 4 years many years ago... and yet... after not seeing or speaking to her for so long... she still affected him so strongly just from a glimpse.

is love worth that kind of pain?

i'm trying to compile a mixed cd...
and i recently discovered iTunes radio.
my ears are happy.

words of wisdom?

2005-10-29T06:53:00.000-05:00

"don't have anything in your life that you
can't walk away from in 30 seconds."

i've heard ADL say this a few times before and the last time he said it, i immediately wanted to disagree with him - but i spent a bit of time letting the words settle... and now i'm not sure as to how i feel. i may be thinking way too much about this, but bear with me. normally when i write what's on my mind - even if i don't know how i want to say things, i at least know what i want to say... however, this time around - i don't know shit about shit so i'm just gonna wing it and hopefully by the end of it all, i'll have it figured out.

let's just state the obvious and get those out of the way: it's a cynical way of thinking, stock-piled with pessimism, the safe route, the path of least resistance. but i can also see how this would be a smart way of thinking. or at least a smarter way of thinking. like i said, safe. okay side note: i keep hearing matthew wilder in my head singing, "ain't nothing gonna break my stride... nobody gonna slow me down, oh no - i've got to keep on moving..." [/side note]

i have a tendency to grow pretty damn attached to people/places/inanimate objects and yet i have the ability to pack up and relocate at a moment's notice. i guess i like the idea that regardless of all that i may be leaving behind, there's so much more ahead... and having a new place working in sync with new time... stirs up the notion of having a clean slate. but that's just it... there is no such thing. every time i've "started over"... there's always been a feeling of history coming back to haunt me. or maybe more like taunt me. no? whether it's by repeating itself in some metaphorical way (déjà vu) or random bouts of sleepless nights that cause weird thoughts to go racing thru your head and you somehow wind up thinking about what (if anything) you would change if you could just... start over. and before you know it, you wake up in a new apartment in a city 800 miles away from "home". or maybe that's just me.

i don't think anyone can live a meaningful life without growing attached to people, places and/or things. and when something like that happens, i'd always like to hope that someday... somewhere down the line... you're going to find something, someplace, someone... to make you want to stay. but again, maybe that's just me.

"it's been said that we need
just three things in life:

something to do,
something to look forward to
and someone to love."

compatibility.

2005-10-13T03:45:00.000-05:00

"look, i... i understand why you rather see felicity with someone like noel. someone who's obviously going to make it. and probably long before, i mean, i figure out what i'm going to be doing with my life. but i always remember this one thing a teacher said, which was, all the interesting people she knew they had no idea what they were going to do with their lives when they were 20. so chances are, i'm going to turn out to be a pretty interesting guy. look, for some reason, felicity cares about me. and on a good day, i feel like i might become everything she sees in me. it is because of that, it is because of about a million reasons that she means pretty much the world to me."

com·pat·i·ble adj. (km-pt-bl)

1. capable of existing or performing in harmonious, agreeable, or congenial combination with another or others.

how much does "compatibility" mean to you when it comes to relationships? every time i see a match.com commercial... or something similar... lavalife? they're always talking about how they take your personality profile and find someone who'd "best suit you"... so i'm assuming they take people with similar interests and pair them together.

how boring is that?!

i enjoy dating people different from me. not necessarily out of this world different, but with different interests, goals, outlook on life. i would imagine it to be extremely boring to be spending your time with a carbon copy of yourself - with the only difference being your gender. unless of course, you're battin' for the other team...

but, i digress.

i like learning new things... and having someone i care about teach them to me... and vice versa. i would in return like a guy who shows interest in things i do... and be willing to do things i'd like to do... i have yet to find a guy who's willing to check out art museums with me. two years in new york and the closest i've been to an art museum (or any museum) has been the chelsea art galleries. (thank you h.ahn.)

anyway, i don't really know the point of this update. i'm kinda drunk and i just really wanted to use that quote from felicity. thank goodness for the women's entertainment network. reruns of one of the most underrated, albeit pretentious, shows.

high fidelity's on comedy central. i'm out.

dating kinds vs. relationship kinds.

2005-10-03T17:55:00.000-05:00

there are two kinds of people. those who can date and those who can't. for a while a part of me really did believe that i fell into the category of those who could... but upon closer inspection, what i really always end up wanting - is for relationships to go somewhere. or at the very least have the potential of going somewhere.

people automatically assume the latter group are the ones who undoubtedly are constantly looking for THE ONE and are always craving marriage, but that's not true. i'd be lying if i said i never want/ed to get married - but i'd also be lying if i said i want/ed to get married right here, right now.

that's just being silly.

i was watching two weeks notice the other night (twice)... and one of my favorite scenes is when they're sitting at dinner and as they're talking about work... you notice him forking (quit laughing) his ice into her glass... then she starts taking shreds of whatever that was off the top of his salad and transferring them to her own plate... then he reaches over to grab her beets... because she hates beets.

that's what i ultimately always end up missing... and wanting. the person who knows the big AND little things about me... someone who i can, without asking, depend on. but the more i think about it - the more i realize that i do kinda sorta have that kind of someone. i remember a few weeks back, we had decided to spend the evening playing mario baseball so while i was waiting for you outside, you came out with a coke (your preference) and a sprite (mine). i've also noticed that when at the ballpark or restaurant when i say all i want is a pop... you come back with a sprite (seirra mist, 7up, whatever). because you just know. i know it's such a small detail... and i know it seems so insignificant... but it's still those inane moments that for some reason, embed themselves in my brain.

bleh, stupid brain.

i guess whether you get it from a boyfriend or a bestfriend... it doesn't really matter. or it shouldn't anyway. some people spend their entire lifetime trying to find someone who knows them on a level above everyone else... and vice versa. if it's there, why is it so necessary to feel as though you must determine the relationship?

the one with the top ten.

2005-09-15T15:39:00.001-05:00

so here i've compiled my favorite ten episodes from friends. why? because i'm bored. and because i feel the desire to do this every time one of my favorite episodes airs on tbs or the wb. thank the lord for reruns! they're in no particular order except in the manner in which they originally aired. so uh, i guess they have a particular order.

[ post compliation: ] as tedious as this was... finding images, running searches for episode scripts... it was oh-so-worth-it. i'm making it a point that i'm aware of this so please refrain from leaving comments about how bored i must've been, or how much of a loser i am. anyway, i don't think i've ever laughed so hard with any blog post in the past... so i hope you guys enjoy reading this one as much as i did putting it together.

[01] 2.08 -- the one with the list. ross makes a list of pros and cons trying to decide between julie and rachel. the one where pheobe sings,

"there was a girl, we call her betty, and a guy let's call him neil. now i can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. now our neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. will betty be the one he loves truly? or will it be the one who we'll call ju...loolie? he must decide, he must decide, even though i made him up, he must decide!"

it's also the one with what's probably my all-time favorite line in any episode,

"it's always been you, rach."

[02] 3.02 -- the one where no one's ready. when everyone's getting ready to go to ross' banquet. rachel's mad at ross - and he was willing to drink the fat: "i think this will be fine. okay, vanilla milkshake, just a vanilla milkshake, with chicken bits floating in it. cheers." and joey puts on all of chandler's clothes and starts to do lunges. "look at me! i'm chandler! could i be wearing any more clothes? maybe if i wasn't going commando..."

[03] 3.05 -- the one with frank jr. aka the one with the freebies. where everyone makes a list of five celebrities they get to sleep with despite being in a relationship. chandler convinces ross to take isabella rosselini off his list because of "geography" and she ends up coming into central perk so rachel says he can consider her an alternate and when monica asks, "rach, are you really going to let him do this?" she answers, "honey, he's about to go hit on isabella rosselini. i'm just sorry we don't got popcorn."

[04] 3.19 -- the one with the tiny t-shirt. this is probably one of my most favorite ross & rachel moments. when he insists on taking his favorite frankie say relax shirt back - and even puts it on to prove that it still fits (right) ... and at the end of the episode she gets a box of her things back, and inside - she finds the t-shirt.

[05] 4.07 -- the one where chandler crosses the line. aka the one with "the sound". this episode was on the other night and i laughed just as hard as i did the first million times i saw it. "c'mon, play that funky music white boy!"

"infinite time... time... time..."

[06] 5.23 -- the one in vegas. when ross sees rachel dancing naked in her apartment across the street and rushes over thinking she's doing it on purpose wanting sex. on the plane to vegas, she mentions something about not getting embarassed as easily as ross does so he draws a mustache on her face. upon landing in vegas, pheobe responds with, "what? did you go to a costume party? let me guess umm... pancho vila?"

[07] 6.17 -- the one with the unagi. finding screen captures for all these episodes were nearly impossible, but i did... 'cept for this one. i managed to find TWO... and now i'm tired of searching, so all y'all are just gonna hafta deal.

rachel: what? you wanna see me self-defend myself?! go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator! go on! i dare ya!!
ross: well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that's not enough. look, i studied kara-tay for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. it's what the japanese call... unagi.
rachel: isn't that a kind of sushi?
ross: no, it's a concept!
pheobe: yea it is! it is! it's a freshwater eel!

"ahh... salmon skin roll..."
which really isn't as funny unless you do it
with the two fingers to the temple thing.

omgosh, i'm laughing so hard
by myself right now.

[08] 7.06 -- the one with the nap partners. "DIE HARD!!"

joey: uh hey look uh, ross, look i think we need to talk about before.
ross: no! no we don't!
joey: yes we do! now look, that was the best nap i've ever had!
ross: i... i don't know know what you're talking about.
joey: come on! admit it! that was the best nap you've ever had!
ross: i've had better.
joey: okay! when?!
ross: all right! all right! it was the best nap ever!
joey: uh-huh!
ross: i've said it! okay?! but it's over joey!
joey: fine! do you want something to drink?
ross: sure, what do you got?
joey: warm milk and excedrin PM.

[09] 10.03 -- the one with ross' tan. after checking out his sister's legs... monica gives him the card to the spray-on tan place and ross says, "hey, i know where this place is! it used to be an x-rated video... florist."

"one mississippi, two mississippi, three mis..."

"i said count to five!"
"mississippilessly?!"

[10] 10.14 -- the one with princess consuela. where pheobe can't decide what she wants to do with her last name after marrying mike... and finds out that she can change her name to anything she wants, so she goes with miss princess consuela banana hammock. so mike retaliates with mr. crap bag.

[while leaving central perk]
mike: after you, miss banana hammock.
pheobe: thank you, mister bag.

[woman enters and recognizes pheobe]
woman: oh hey, how are you?
pheobe: oh hi rita! good! [to mike] oh, rita's a massage client.
mike: oh, why don't you introduce me?
pheobe: er, rita, this is my husband.
mike: why don't you tell her my name?
pheobe: ok. this is my husband crap bag.
rita: crap bag?
mike: if you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap.

"do you even know what a banana hammock is?"
"it's a funny word."
"it's a speedo."

the one with the top ten.

2005-09-15T15:39:00.000-05:00

[01] 2.08 -- the one with the list. ross makes a list of pros and cons trying to decide between julie and rachel. the one where pheobe sings,

"there was a girl, we call her betty, and a guy let's call him neil. now i can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. now our neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. will betty be the one he loves truly? or will it be the one who we'll call ju...loolie? he must decide, he must decide, even though i made him up, he must decide!"

it's also the one with what's probably my all-time favorite line in any episode,

"it's always been you, rach."

"infinite time... time... time..."

rachel: what? you wanna see me self-defend myself?! go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator! go on! i dare ya!!
ross: well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that's not enough. look, i studied kara-tay for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. it's what the japanese call... unagi.
rachel: isn't that a kind of sushi?
ross: no, it's a concept!
pheobe: yea it is! it is! it's a freshwater eel!

"ahh... salmon skin roll..."
which really isn't as funny unless you do it
with the two fingers to the temple thing.

omgosh, i'm laughing so hard
by myself right now.

[08] 7.06 -- the one with the nap partners. "DIE HARD!!"

joey: uh hey look uh, ross, look i think we need to talk about before.
ross: no! no we don't!
joey: yes we do! now look, that was the best nap i've ever had!
ross: i... i don't know know what you're talking about.
joey: come on! admit it! that was the best nap you've ever had!
ross: i've had better.
joey: okay! when?!
ross: all right! all right! it was the best nap ever!
joey: uh-huh!
ross: i've said it! okay?! but it's over joey!
joey: fine! do you want something to drink?
ross: sure, what do you got?
joey: warm milk and excedrin PM.

"one mississippi, two mississippi, three mis..."

"i said count to five!"
"mississippilessly?!"

[while leaving central perk]
mike: after you, miss banana hammock.
pheobe: thank you, mister bag.

[woman enters and recognizes pheobe]
woman: oh hey, how are you?
pheobe: oh hi rita! good! [to mike] oh, rita's a massage client.
mike: oh, why don't you introduce me?
pheobe: er, rita, this is my husband.
mike: why don't you tell her my name?
pheobe: ok. this is my husband crap bag.
rita: crap bag?
mike: if you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap.

"do you even know what a banana hammock is?"
"it's a funny word."
"it's a speedo."

writing & breaking up.

2005-09-09T14:35:00.000-05:00

writ·er (rtr)

n. one who writes, especially as an occupation.

some of my favorite writers come from (of course) reading their works... whether it be magazine articles, novels, poetry, essays, etc. etc... and not necessarily falling in love with their style... but more, the content. the more i relate & understand, the more i love. however, a lot of that has changed over the years and i started to look for writers' particular technique & savoir-faire.

i've never been able to generalize what "type" of writer i liked... because i'm not a fan of sci-fi, but... vonnegut is one of my favorites, the style of comics isn't my thing - but bill watterson falls in my top-five (quite possibly top-three)... and sports writers... a lot of the time - as much as i love baseball... the sports world is filled with so much more... and stuff flies straight over my head, but bill simmons - awesome.

non-fiction is always more appealing to me than fiction, because when i read over a part that's a seemingly impossible scenario i remind myself, "no, no - this is a memoir - it actually happened!" and that makes the read that much more captivating. i recently finished alice sebold's rape memoir... and continued on with the unabridged journals of sylvia plath - one of the most tragic and despressed beings, i've come across... but also one of the most brilliant. i've come to realize there's a difference between telling a story and allowing your readers to consume your words and really experience it - regardless of whether or not they themselves have walked that parallel path alongside the author.

i'm not sure where i was really going with this post... but, i guess just more that i think i've finally learned how to soak in and adapt different concepts and broaden my perspective in how to come off to a specific audience - without letting it/them control too much of what i want to say. and i think that's quite possibly where thea importance of all of this lies. write what matters - and always remember that regardless of what you say or how you say it, you'll always have your critics.

that which does not break you, will only make you stronger. HURRAH!

breaking up & falling apart.

when two people start to date, it's inevitable that they start to hang with each other's friends. that's all fine and dandy, but what happens after the break up? as you grow older, relationships hold more substance and tend to last longer - or at least one would like to hope, but sometimes - some things just aren't meant to be... so then, what happens to all the friendships that cultivated?

it's easy to say, "well, whoever i was closest with first, comes first" but there's always exceptions to the rule and sometimes you develop bonds with people that has the potential to stand the test of time.

i guess this is me wanting to acknowledge all the estranged friends thruout the years due to some evil awkward break up with close friends of mine... as well as the ones that i remain in contact with despite circumstances that would prevent us otherwise. it's the latter that helps me get thru the days when i feel that as much as i bled for certain relationships to work... none of it was in vain.

...

2005-09-05T09:57:00.000-05:00

she walks with the sort of style & grace that makes men turn their heads in awe. she stands with poise and assertion making women wonder what she puts in her morning coffee to give her that reason to smile. (let her dream a little.) all the while she sits behind closed doors wondering what she could be doing differently to live up to the expectations that lie behind the eyes of complete strangers (vanity fair). more importantly, behind the pair that aids the object of her affection.

as adamant as she is about having everything done in that boderline annoying way that she does, all rules and promises of self-preservation get tossed out the window of missed opportunities and she stumbles down the road of "what could be" or perhaps, what might be. she figures, pay a little less attention to detail, and be left with a greater chance.

she's had "best friends" before but none that has meant more than the current. it's a trying time coming up with a reason as to how one person had the power to create a whole new category of friendship. the definition can't be understood by anyone other than the two involved. and even then - the ambiguity gets frustrating.

however, sleepless nights under clouds of confusion don't mean shit in comparison to the magnitude of gratitude (ha, that rhymes) she feels both for him and from him, the comfort she feels in the way that they just fit, and the ability to appreciate the smaller things in life without feeling the need to sweat the "bigger picture".

nothing is ever certain when it comes to the things that really matter, and you can't change the things you have no control over. she nods with contentment & understanding. nothing feels worse than being on the receiving end of a broken promise (which is the equivalent to being disappointed, ew) so it's better this way.

she writes before ten o'clock on a monday morning and comes a few run-on sentences short of a completely obscure [to some] yet crystal-clear [for others] blog entry, ever.

23.

2005-09-03T15:18:00.000-05:00

FOR THE MATH NERDS aka ASIANS.

--» it's the ninth prime number. as well as the fifth factorial prime, the fifth sophie germain prime, the fourth safe prime, the second woodall prime & second smarandache-wellin prime. it is an eisenstein prime with no imaginary part and real part of the form 3n-1.

FOR THE SCIENCE GEEKS.

--» the atomic number of vanadium.
--» the number of chromosomes in a human germline cell.

AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN.

--» michael jordan's number before he left the bulls the first time - and the number was retired. (he came back to win three more wearing the #45, but picked up 23 again when he went to the wizards.)
--» david beckham's real madrid number. influenced by aforementioned air jordan.
--» a telegraphers' code meaning "line break".
--» when mathematician john forbes nash suffered from schizophrenic delusions, he said that like magazine had run a cover story of his disguised as pope john xxiii as his name was john and his favorite prime number was 23.
--» US catchphrase "23, skidoo" is thought to have come from charles dickens' a tale of two cities when a woman counts guillotine victims. #23 is the hero sydney carton who's beheaded in the last act.
--» the floor that both jonathan trager & sara thomas push at the waldorf astoria in serendipity.
--» the german movie 23 explored an obsession with the number, based on a real-life story.
--» roman emperor julius caesar was stabbed 23 times when he was assassinated.
--» jennie's favorite number.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY.

[1189] -- england's king richard i (the lion-hearted) crowned in westminster.
[1651] -- english civil war: battle of worcester - charles ii of england is defeated in the last main battle of the war.
[1783] -- treaty of paris signed to end the american revolutionary war.
[1838] -- frederick douglass boards a train departing maryland to escape slavery dressed in a sailor's uniform and carrying identification papers provided by a free black seaman.
[1939] -- world war ii: france, the uk, new zealand & australia declare war on germany.
[1967] -- sweden: traffic changes from driving on the left to driving on the right.
[1976] -- the viking 2 spacecraft lands on utopia planitia on mars and takes the first close-up color photos of the planet's surface.
[1977] -- sadaharu oh hits the 756th home run of his career to surpass hank aaron's total.
[1986] -- in a two-day 18-inning marathon the cubs and astros set a major-league record by usinig 53 players, including 17 pitchers, tying the number used three weeks ago. chicago loses 8-7 on billy hatcher's homer in the top of the 18th.
[1994] -- russia & china agree to de-target their nuclear weapons against each other.
[2004] -- beslan school massacre - killing approximately 344 teachers and students.

BIRTHS.

[1971] -- chabeli iglesias (julio's daughter. sweet.)
[1965] -- charlie scheen (actor)
[1955] -- steve jones (sex pistols)
[1875] -- ferdinand porsche (automotive engineer)
[1856] -- louis h. sullivan (architect, chicago auditorium theater)
[1757] -- charles x (duke of prussia)

DEATHS.

[2001] -- thuy trang (27) ya kno, the yellow power ranger.
[1991] -- frank capra (94)
[1970] -- vince lombardi (57)
[1969] -- ho chi minh (79)
[1963] -- ee cummings (67)

st. paul's chapel.

2005-08-20T13:39:00.000-05:00

i've lived in the financial district the 2 years that i've been living in new york. so, i pass by this church often. it's located on church street between fulton & vesey - opposite the east side of where the world trade towers used to stand. the only thing i knew about this church is that alexander hamilton and robert fulton were buried in the trinity churchyard and i thought that in itself was pretty damn interesting.

it wasn't until my brother came to visit, that we decided to step inside the church walls. it was completed in 1766, making it manhattan's oldest public building in continuous use and there's so much history i can talk about including the pew that george washington sat in to worship on inauguration day in april of 1789... but that's not what left me in awe.

st. paul's chapel also served as a place of rest and refuge for recovery workers at the world trade center site. this is what left me speachless. this is what made me wonder... are we ever going to recover? but in the midst of sympathizing for all those that perished, i realized through great hatred - we found an underlying of an even greater love. found a common ground of understanding... and ran with it.

there was a table set up with letters and pictures from family and friends who lost beloved members of the FDNY and NYPD on september 11th, 2001. two that hit me the hardest was one that read, "while everyone else was running out - you were running in. thank you." and a newspaper article with the headline, "my dad. our hero." for the first time in four years since it all started... i cried.

to be completely honest, that day - that year... it never occurred to me how drastically everyone's lives would change... how serious all of this was. (i was still living in illinois at the time.) i think it was when i saw the TIME magazine filled with pictures from that morning that i finally comprehended the magnitude of destruction. i know, it's shameful. my friend who was working for the chicago fire department at the time, left for two weeks to volunteer at ground zero - and upon his return, he explained to me without getting into too much detail (at his discretion) the things he saw... the way he felt... and i tried to grasp the significance of it all... but, like any third party - couldn't wholly understand.

any time i walk past the viewing gates, i strip away the political aspect of it all and try to understand the meaning of the gaping hole as far as sympathizing with the person standing next to me - who lost their spouse, their child, their parent(s), their friend.

i haven't been keeping up with the plans for rebuilding wtc, but i figure, you can tear down the viewing walls, the posters, the names, the pictures - fill the gap in the skyline... but at the end of it all, who's responsible for filling the gaps in the minds and hearts of everyone who's missing somebody?